In searching back through prior posts to collect data for the post Sleep Evidence, I located a post which provided a content creation metric. For comparison purposes, the same data was collected from the last sequence of posts and is exhibited in the following table:

This total is 6,876 words in 6 days, with a mean of 1,146 words per day.

In 2011, the year following the accident, when submitting employment applications, it took a week to compose a single cover letter estimated to have contained no more than 350 words. This equals 70 words per day. In July 2012, my first SAAQ submission took 5 weeks to complete and was 5 pages long. This again equals 70 words per day. Using this metric indicates I have made a significant improvement over the past 4 years.

There is no sense of joy at this accomplishment. In fact, I am dismayed. The thought has come to me that my focus on this sleep experiment project is a direct response to the quote from Dr. Lezak regarding the fact that there is little prospect of recovery. (This post is dated October 22nd but would have been drafted around October 19. There is a significant delay between the receipt of information and the time it percolates down and becomes meaningful to me. There is a further delay between my awareness of the information, the creation of a note in the Accident Log and the entry of that note as a blog post.)

What I am feeling is a sense of sadness. I do not understand the reason for this sadness, or for its onset. I went for a short 4 mile hike today. This is less than half of my usual distance. In a recent reading, the author (Elliot??) speaks of a recurring sense of sadness. He attributes this sadness to an awareness of the loss of the prior self.

I am unsure of what interpretation to make. I know I have been thinking recently of the fact that full recovery is unlikely, and have been trying to understand the implications, the meaning of remaining in this mentally impaired state for the balance of my natural life. When I think of my recent activity, I see two interpretations:

1. On a conscious level, the sleep project has been a positive, rational response to the identification of a critical issue. I am working to acquire further evidence, and to weigh that evidence, with the aim of mitigating, or redressing the problem.
2. On a deeper, unconscious level, my recent activity is simply another manifestation of the “bulldozer” response. It represents a determination to beat this problem, overcome it, hammer it into submission, to gain a full recovery. The sadness derives from this interpretation. All of this activity represents a form of avoidance. It arises from a wish to deny the low probability of further improvement.

Which is ultimately correct? I do not know how to make that judgement.

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Update November 14th, 2015

In the course of preparing a submission to TAQ, I have reviewed documents created in the period around the time of my discovery of the injury. This review included two documents: 1) One of 2,782 words created over 66 days for a production rate of 42 words per day; and 2) a second of 2,417 words created over 29 days for a production rate of 83 words per day.

The difference between a mean of 83 words per day in 2012 and a mean of 1,146 words per day in 2015 implies an improvement of 130 times the original baseline rate within a 3 year time period.