Finally got a hair cut. Walked over 13 miles yesterday in minus 20 c with the wind chill. Today have been up since 0500 but having great difficulty in generating much enthusiasm for the work. Big contrast with yesterday when I was raring to go. Trying to understand the reason for this difference. Possible answers include:

This change in demeanour and outlook is something regularly experienced since the injury. I know that I have had many previous episodes where I have gone to bed full of optimistic vim and vigour and then woken down and disheartened and struggling with all aspects of life. I was unable to identify any objective ground for this change. From this view. today is simply a further example of this.

An alternate explanation has to do with the fact that I put too much weight on certain difficult activities. I work hard to overcome obstacles and to complete tasks such as a 13 mile hike in low temperatures. After this accomplishment, I am faced with the fact that my efforts have changed nothing, that I am faced with all the same problems: the high error rate, the need to write more submissions and briefs, the difficulty of pulling together all of the required information, absorbing it, understanding it, distilling it into a form that may be presented to TAQ. And even after all this effort, even if I should win the case, I will still be left facing all of these same problems. The injury will not disappear from my life just because a judge issues a ruling. That is hard to accept. I become even more downcast thinking of this outcome.

Another perspective comes from the fact that the current downturn in energy prices. and their effect on the economy, is similar to what I went through in the late 1980’s. From this interpretation, I am reliving some of the trials and tribulations I went through back then. I read of the massive terminations taking place in the oil industry and am very aware of the incredible pain that will ensue, the families ripped apart, the marriages broken, dreams smashed, children suffering the after effects of something well beyond their understanding. Beyond most adults understanding too. This morning, I have been worrying about Colin and the fact I am in no position to offer him any assistance if everything goes pear shaped. I think he is OK and do not anticipate problems. It is my inability to render aid that leaves me deflated.