Working until 0630 this am. Have to push to get going. But once the activity becomes an intellectual challenge I am “into it” and putting words on paper is less of a struggle and more some aspect of an intellectual puzzle.

Have thoughts in which I wonder about potential impact on Dr X, and on others. I am aware that this impact is likely to be negative. Perhaps extremely so.

But Dr X had no hesitation in treating me in an extremely malicious and negative way. I am responding with the truth in making my defence. If there are negative outcomes from speaking the truth, then it must be said Dr X brought such outcomes upon himself. The problem lies in his failure to honour his professional commitments. If there are negative outcomes, the group that must shoulder the blame are his professional colleagues. They did not address the matter when it was first brought to their attention much earlier. I see them as complicit in all that may follow.

No message from W. Thought he might respond, but no indications of his having done so. Perhaps I should not have cancelled out on our meeting. But that 30 minute meeting involved a 3 hour travel commitment, plus an associated five hours of activity. Such a major time demand blows a big hole in a complex undertaking which is already floundering, and with which I am having great difficulty.

I sense a keen desire for avoidance. I go on walks to escape my tasking. I grocery shop to escape. I cook. Last night precious hours were devoted to the preparation of a complex chicken dinner. These activities are recognized as avoidance strategies on my part. They arise from the difficulty I experience in pushing forward.

This blog activity also represents a form of escape. I can explain this blog entry with the excuse it offers timely documentation of my present conundrums. But secretly, I must admit the blog also functions as a welcome respite from complex, difficult, and arduous work. Much easier to fight my way up a forest hill than to write out a history of neglect and failure.
 

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Views of the Same Scene

Hill in January
Hill in March
Hill in August
Hill in October