I am working in the early morning. The sun is finally out, the air is lightly chill. I am overcome with the shock of unknowing.

Yesterday, I saw Dr D. At that meeting I laughed. I believe we both laughed. I believe this was a positive event. It felt good. It felt wholesome. It felt welcome.

It felt sufficiently positive that I was drawn to make it the subject of a post, which I started once I returned home. I expected the post to focus on the events that gave rise to the mirth. What was the topic? What circumstance triggered the laughter?

I got the post started, then went off to do other things. When I returned to writing I expected to easily complete the work. But, for whatever reason, I found it difficult to recall the details of our meeting. This sounds like it may be in some way disrespectful of Dr D. But it is not intended in that way at all.

Yesterday, I continued the writing attempt with the thought that as I did so, I would trigger greater recall. This was sort of true. I did remember one other element of our conversation, but I believe this was unconnected to the laughter. It popped into mind after posting and I jotted it down. I add it at the end of this narrative.

When I went to bed yesterday night, I anticipated that I would experience further recall of events from the meeting. I have frequent experience of this; as my mind calms before sleep, things and events will pop into consciousness. It is often the case that these recall events will be associated with something I have been thinking about during the day. A recent occurrence of this concerned a series of thoughts in regard to my arm deformity and the associated social effects. When I began the recall of these events, I at first shied away from them but then found the recollections reasserting themselves just before sleep. This did not happen with the events of the meeting with Dr D.

I also experience event recall in the morning, immediately after I awake. I will emerge from sleep and as the conscious mind begins to percolate, a series of thoughts will bubble to the surface. This recall is frequently associated with something important. I experienced this in regard to memories of my birth injury and my denial of that injury. I was expecting to experience similar recall of events of the meeting. This did not occur.

This morning it has gradually dawned on me that there appear to be large chunks of my memory that have somehow gone missing. This has resulted in the shock of unknowing, the awareness of a deficit that I did not know was present.

I last saw Dr H on May 5th. I am unable to recall any details of our interaction. I believe I took notes. I am not sure where I placed the notes.

I can recall events from yesterday, the details of the walk to and from Dr D’s office, the pelting rain, the sensation of clothing becoming cold and soaked through, water dripping everywhere, the humid warmth of the day. What I do not seem to remember, or have difficulty remembering, are the precise details of our dialog.

The thought just struck me that perhaps what I describe here is normal, that I do not normally have such detailed recall and I am conjuring up an issue where none is present. In essence I am claiming the existence of a problem when there is, in fact, no problem, like a bald man complaining his hair is too dry.

But I remember attending university lectures and having such good recall that I did not feel the need to take notes. The lecturer introduced me to new facts and I remembered them with no problem at all. I have just spent a few minutes thinking of past university lectures and have had no difficulty conjuring memories of events from 20 and 40 years ago. Yet I cannot pull up clear memory of an event that took place less than 24 hours ago.

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• 23:06:57     Dr D asked if my problems interfere with relations with my son.

• 03:02:43     Unable to sleep. Some discussion of anti-depressants