On Thursday, I met with N. The experience was powerful and confounding. I commenced jotting notes to myself in an attempt to unpack what had taken place. This series of posts reflects the trajectory of that day, and my associated analysis.
 

I became lost on the way to the meeting. We arranged to meet in Chelsea, a town just north of one of Gargantua’s major facilities, a location I had visited many times before by both car, and bicycle. I felt confident of being able to get there without difficulty. Over confident. The route required only one left turn followed by two rights. No problem.

Before reaching the second right, I became uneasy. I realized I was operating outside my comfort zone, that I had launched myself unthinking into virgin territory. I was no longer travelling on one of my standard routes, the few familiar routes on which I am comfortable. I was in outer space, about to drop off the edge of the planet, had no true idea of where I was going. Proceeding blindly forward would likely result in an arrival in Timmins, or Rouyn-Noranda.

I pulled off the road and activated my walk tracker app. It includes a GPS mapping function. The map showed I was on the right road, about a quarter mile short of the target intersection.

First learning point:

On August 10th I did something similar. I blindly sailed off to Montréal only to realize mid-trip that I had no idea what I was doing. On my very first Montréal trip, I devoted two full days to planning the journey. I created checklists, diagrams, and drove most of the route via Google maps. I have since made at least six trips to Montréal and each time follow the same route, park in the same garage, on the same floor, in the same spot. I had assumed the Montréal visit was routine, and had become overconfident. This same overconfidence caused me to believe I could make a quick trip to Chelsea without problem.

Once on Notch Road, it was clear sailing. I recognized the golf course. There was confusion at the Kingsmere turn (I forgot this intersection existed) but I figured out which way to go. Downtown Chelsea was a mess, full of big holes, excavators, and piles of gravel and sand threaded by mammoth dump trucks. I ended up in the Visitor Centre parking lot. It was easier to hike back into town from there than to make any further attempts at navigating the mess.

On the return trip, I experienced instant headache and fatigue once I left N and returned to the parking lot. Our meeting had been very positive. My hunch is that this positive engagement somehow masked the headache, or suppressed awareness of the onset of fatigue. Once the positive stimuli were removed there was sudden awareness of both headache and fatigue.

Second learning point:

I had a similar experience after my first meetings with Dr D and Dr H in the summer of 2012. I met with them, and everything was fine. Once I left the meeting, I was overcome by the need to sleep and had an instant headache. Today, I can meet with either of them for an hour and not feel anything similar.

The same thing was experienced in late 2012 when I attended meetings of the non profit. I was able to participate (more or less) but experienced headache and severe fatigue once the meetings ended. The first meetings of the brain injury support group were similar. It was difficult to follow the conversational thread. The fatigue was such that I started yawning mid-meeting. What I do not understand is this: I recently recommenced volunteer work and did not experience any similar fatigue, or discomfort.

On the drive home, I entered 747 mode. This describes activity during which I am forced to pay detailed attention to every aspect of what I am doing. It is primarily invoked during vehicle operation and when departing the house. If I have checklists then I will refer to them. When I arrive at a decision point, I make very conscious decisions. There is no tacit acceptance of unthinking forward progress. All attention is task focused and there is a significant attempt at predictive determination: “At the next light I will turn left and then immediately prepare to turn right.”

This 747 mode is heavily utilized during Montréal trips and most times when I am operating the car. It is present but minimized when I travel on a standardized route. On a well known route I operate in a sort of half 747 mode (3.5-2-3.5?) until jolted back to full 747 by events. This is a key reason for my walking preference. Walking is relatively carefree compared to the demands of vehicle operation. When I am walking I can almost forget the injury. Driving forces a constant reminder of injury.

Once returned home, I attempted to capture notes of my interaction with N. It had been a very positive experience and I wanted to understand it better. But I was overcome by fatigue, and the need for sleep, and left unfinished notes when I went for a nap.
 

Third learning point:

On review, I realize the significant difference with regard to my experience of volunteer work likely has to do with the fact that I walk to the work location, and walk home afterward. The total round trip is around 9 to 10 miles. My early sessions with my Doctors improved when I arrived way too early (the result of my overcompensating for potential road delays and not wishing to feel rushed). At times I had over an hour to kill and I would hike the city to absorb the wait time. My hunch is that this walking had positive effect on the injury and minimized both fatigue effect and headaches.