Awake around 0600. Have no energy. Thoughts of just dying. Trying to obtain clarity, to understand why. My sense is that it has to do with the loss of three years, and the loss of therapy opportunities through not having moved to Ontario.
I try and understand what is talking place with me and I appear to arrive at an intellectual understanding and then, 3 days later, the emotional understanding arrives and I am unable to deal with it.
Dr X mentioned the manoeuvre of going to hospital and declaring an MVA and a period of being unconscious in order to protect an insurance claim. That was on Friday. The meaning of that does not arrive until Monday when I am on my way to see Dr H. The full implications do not make themselves clear until Tuesday night.
Earlier this week I had the realization that by waiting on an insurance claim, I have been deprived of 3 years of my life, the opportunity for therapy, and other genuine assistance. I understood that fact intellectually on Tuesday. It has not been until last night and today that the full implications of that have driven themselves home, and I am once again in a downward spiral.