Letting Go

Have this sense of bumping into a problem. Or the problem is bumping into me and I do not wish to acknowledge it. I am constantly reverting to this memory of letting go.

In the attempt to identify what is bothering me, I have made a list. Strangely enough, this blog occupies a position.

1) Avoidance. Avoidance of the blog. I have an entire series of posts related to the PCS Thesis almost ready to go. One week ago I was raring to post this material to the blog. Now I appear to be engaged in procrastination, or some form of avoidance behaviour. I didn’t want to write this post, then recognized I was avoiding something, and decided to push in, and try and see what it might be.

2) Exhausted. Since Tuesday, I have walked over 60 miles. I am close to breaking my monthly record of 173 miles. Normally, there would be a sense of Hoo Haa achievement. Now I simply feel worn out. The feeling is similar to that encountered when I did the work experiment. This also involved a “walk commute” and I know that experiment left me increasingly depleted as the week went on.

3) Snow. The work experiment was very tiring. But it took place when there was no snow on the ground. Walking was comparatively easy. There have been intermittent bouts of snow all week with a number of days threatening rain. The walking is difficult, like wading uphill through soft beach sand. When the plows go through they leave steep four foot banks which deny pedestrian access to the sidewalk. Or, if you are coming down the sidewalk, you are suddenly confronted with a vertical cliff the same as the one Newman and Redford had to confront to escape from the posse. OK, I am exaggerating. There is no posse. Not here. Not yet.

4) Ice. This is the big worry. There is a fear of taking another fall and damaging the noggin once again. When the sun is out, even if the temps remain below freezing, there is a significant amount of melt water. The meltwater runs across the still frozen sidewalk and makes for an extremely treacherous surface. When there is no melt, the blowing powder snow will create an effect like walking on Teflon ball bearings as it drifts across the surface of the icepack.

5) Slush. Went in to see Dr D on Friday. Was drenched in melt water at least three times on the way in. Clean pants coated with liquid street grunge that once was motor fuel, exhaust and brown snowflakes.

6) Car. Have all the gear required to recharge the battery but have not yet had a break in the weather that would permit charging in place. I think I may have to remove the battery, bring it inside, charge it, and then re-install it. Every two days or so, I have had to shovel out the car, and crack open the snow crust. The same is true for the balconies. It is supposed to rain tomorrow, the snow will become a sponge and then freeze into a solid ice pack.

7) Doctors. Both Dr H and Dr D have very kindly written letters for submission to TAQ. Dr H’s letter has been in my in-box for over five days now. I cannot bring myself to read it. Dr D presented me with her letter today. I read it in her office. I didn’t like what it said. I do not want to be the man it described. On leaving, I thought I had packed it up. When I arrived home, and went to pull it from the backpack, it was not to be found.