This is not really a post. It is more of an inventory. I am trying to chronicle all the triggers which put me into a tailspin.

Why do this? I have lots of these little lists. Somehow posting to the blog is more final and complete. I am not sure I fully understand my logic; I do know that I need to find some way to address the tailspin problem. This attempt seems to be as good as any other and if it does not work then perhaps it will spark a better idea.

• Found trail of document copies throughout the house. I went off with document in hand, put document down to engage in something else. Forgot about document.
• Left perishable food items out.
• Did household safety check for stove etc but found I had left lights on.
• Same check but left PC on.
• Submitted document to health agency (the Doctor X issue). Worked very hard to make it as complete and accurate as possible. At a later date I gained access to source documents which showed that my memory of events was grossly incomplete. This was a major trigger.
• Lie awake at night trying to come to grips with all these issues. Do not seem to be able to properly engage. Reminded of being very young and staring up at the starry night sky and trying to comprehend it and being unable to do so. This is very similar to my long wakeful nights. Problem is that being unable to sleep alters the sleep / wake routine in a negative way.
• Appear to have a strong bias toward events from years ago and less able to remember fairly recent events. Have vivid detailed memories of our house and neighbourhood but am unable to remember what happened last week.
• Continual problems with word-finding. Very frustrating.
• When I try and add metadata in Lightroom (photographic image database software) I find myself unable to remember street names even though I “know” the name.
• Incoming postal mail which is complex and difficult to read gets added to a “Do Later” pile. This pile has grown increasingly thick.
• I appear to have a form of tunnel vision. I only see the immediate task object and do not see background clutter.
• I am very slow and deliberate. Every action takes a long time. If I become absorbed in a task it can soak up the better part of a day and then I will be suprised to see how much time has passed.
• I am constantly suprised to discover what I thought was a recent event actually took place several weeks or months ago. My sense of time appears distorted.
• When I feel down I compensate by going for walks.
• When I feel down I try to compensate by small indulgences, typically of food items I would not otherwise buy. Package of special Dijon mustard. Chocolate milk.
• Found a book I had really enjoyed and thought I had lost in an earlier move. Before the accident I loved reading and would become lost in a work of fiction. When I picked up the found book I was unable to read it. The words just hang on the page; there is no immersion in the fiction.
• I have perhaps 50 feet of books that I am now unable to read.
• Have sense of throwing out my past personality. This is in relation to discarding the books I can no longer enjoy.
• Last year walking would give me a “pop,” an increase in thoughts (first noted this in a visit to Dr D after a five mile hike prior to session). Would also get an above ear headache. This year the walks are “flat,” there is no similar above ear headache, there is no sense of “pop,” no “sparkiness,” no sense of an increased flood of thoughts. Do notice an increase in the volume of ringing in right ear. Goes from “background” ringing to “forest of crickets.”
• Gained about ten pounds. Suspect this is largely due to being unable to sleep and having hot tea and a food snack to put me to sleep.
• Have had a lot of memories from childhood: walking on our street before it was paved, my favourite climbing tree, neighbourhood baseball, clearing snow. A huge gush of memory data in regard to events I have forgotten until now.
• At the same time I have found binders of tech data I assembled to help with work at Gargantua Computer. When I read these the information which was once so critical to me is like reading hieroglyphics. I have no memory of it.
• Have lost a file that I wanted to update to contrast this year’s performance with last year’s performance.
• Provided incorrect phone number to government department.
• Walked away from change at Farmer’s Market.
• Had another major recent failing which I cannot now remember. I try and remember the “big issue” and I dredge up smaller issues.
• Carefully create a shopping list so I will remember what to buy then go shopping and forget the list.
• Had the intention to send out a initial prospect contact (blogged about this contact attempt on July 9th 2013). Am now unable to locate any such contact, or sent email, and have had no form of response. I suspect the email was never sent.
• Went back and read entries I made in an “Accident Log.” This log, or diary, was another suggestion from Dr H. Found that at the start of August I experienced a great deal of frustration with my attempt to sort and organize all of the paperwork associated with the various documents submitted to the insurance company.
• Realized tonight that the log is extremely valuable as I seem to be unable to remember things that happened in the recent past. I think this plays a significant role in forging my mental outlook. I forget my experience and “live in the moment” and am more or less fine. Then I seek to gain perspective and review written records of events and when I gain this perspective I realize that I have a significant problem and this triggers the despair. This happened again this evening (Aug 29th) when I re-read Dr H’s July 30th report submitted to the insurance company.
• Telephone call with Colin in which he chides me for “over talking,” or talking in an extended monologue. I had no awareness I was doing this. This was was also mentioned by an ex-girlfriend and by Dr. D. Realizing that I do this and that it causes problems for the people in my small social circle really gets me down.
• Had an email contact from a former co-worker. Two problems: 1) Cannot find the needed password to log into account to reply; 2) Conflicted over engaging with people and having them become aware of my problems.
• Went on walk this morning. Notice low level pain in left hip and thigh area. First noted several weeks ago and appears to be getting worse. Just had similar pain on climbing stairs to second level. Worried that this might be a continuation of left side atrophy.
• Have an atrophied area on left cheek. This appears to “flutter,” or vibrate. First noted several months ago. Believe I mentioned this it Dr. H.