Up at 0330. Had an insight into self image and its possible relationship to acceptance of the injury. So this post is Self Image Redux and it follows on from similar posts on this topic.
When I received the response from Mr N in which he advised I should undertake the TBI Proposal as an entrepreneurial for-profit enterprise, I had a very negative reaction. I didn’t want to address this reaction within the context of the blog as I have become more self-aware and conscious of over sharing (I think that is the appropriate technical term. It is quite possibly an incorrect usage).
In past lives, I have engaged in entrepreneurship, or worked within the context of a start up enterprise. Bow Valley Offshore was a major new venture and it was an exciting challenge. In my work with Lavalin, I was again engaged in start up activity, this time within the context of an established organization. When I lived in Vancouver, I engaged in a variety of entrepreneurial activity. And, after the global oil industry went bust, followed by Lavalin’s blow up and near collapse, I ventured out in my own small business in an attempt to generate an income that would keep me in close proximity to Colin.
When Mr N suggested I should undertake the TBI proposal as an entrepreneurial venture this triggered a strong reaction precisely because I have prior experience in start-ups, and new ventures. I am well acquainted with the dynamic nature of that employment setting, and the demands placed on the individual. There is a need for laser like focus on the business and the immediacy of the operational issues that arise, coupled with an equally strong requirement for an ability to step back from the action, develop an overall long term perspective, and gauge how all the moving parts mesh together. Add in the time demands (these are brutal. I initially blamed the marital failure on them but this was not the true cause), the constant demand for multi-tasking and fluid engagement in a wide range of personal interactions inter-meshed with immediate problem solving while galloping forward to address the next issue marching over the horizon, all of this activity manifested as a very dynamic, exciting work environment. I loved it.
But, at some level, I am conscious the injury renders it unlikely I will operate at that level again. I maintain enough perceptual realism to recognize this fact. So, at one level, I acknowledge this state of affairs, and at another level, I experience great reluctance in making this acknowledgement. I don’t want to release that component part of my past self image.
This is the insight that came to me this morning. I have no idea why it presented itself today and not on some other day, and why at this particular hour as opposed to some other time. Blame the strange magic of human cognition.
If my sense of things is correct, then self image is understood as being a critical factor in coming to terms with TBI and invoking a positive response to the injury. I am, or have been, reluctant to divest myself of the self image acquired over 62 years of operating in cognitive space. But this shedding of past self image now presents itself as an important aspect of recovery.
Should I remain embedded in my past knowledge of the self, then I will be unable to respond in an appropriate way to new demands occasioned by the injury. It is akin to the butterfly and the chrysalis. Until one becomes willing to shed the old form, one is unable to embrace the new form and the associated altered relationships. I am unable to discern when I commenced this process but I suspect the revision of self image has been a core issue in my coming to terms with the injury and in developing a realistic means of accommodation.
Update August 14th
This entry was written early on August 13th. When I reviewed it on the evening of the 13th, I felt it was very poorly written to the point that it was incomprehensible. I returned to it today and, while some minor emendation was necessary, I think this entry represents a critical insight into rehabilitation from TBI.