Having a great deal of difficulty.

Immediate problem appears to stem from preparation of a document package to be submitted tomorrow. I anticipated positive feelings from finally getting this project “in the bag.” The actual outcome has been very different and I am trying to understand why.

First sign of difficulty is increased use of the 5-2-5 technique. I have internalized this response to the degree that I initiate it automatically, without thinking, whenever I encounter problematic “tear your hair out” situations. Tonight has seen a lot of use of 5-2-5.

The actions being undertaken are those associated with final submission preparation. The primary document was completed and printed this morning. Later this morning, I did a copy run and copied the primary document and all the associated exhibits.

Tonight I disinterred the originals and the copies, separated them into their respective piles, confirmed that all were present OK, and then set aside a completed document submission copy package. I have learned to do this. I know that at some point in the future, I will end up trying to determine exactly what was sent to whom, and when. The fastest way to address this question is to simply maintain a file copy of the entire submission. This also serves as a “Master Copy” should it be required to make a secondary submission to another location.

It was during this paper management process that I first noted the use of the 5-2-5 technique. I know I have difficulty with handling multiple document copies and sets. I experience this same problem each time I make a reimbursement submission for my medical billings. This reimbursement submission is nothing more than one form, one receipt, and four cancelled check images. But I experience enormous difficulty in completing it and have no explanation why. Tonight’s work was similar and it resulted in a similar response.

Final document prep involved a number of repeated checks. I must check, and recheck, and then check again. I found I was attempting to send a critical original as part of the submission. I had to pull that back, set it aside, and make note of the fact that I need a further copy of this original so I can replace the original in the origin file and place a duplicate in the “as submitted” document package file.

I found I was missing an exhibit. Plus, I had an incorrect name associated with a second exhibit. Correcting these errors required I fire up the printer, go through all the rigmarole of copying the target file to a USB stick, finding the file was already on the USB stick, futzing with the remote client machine and the printer, locating the paper supply and restocking when the printer ran out, collating the printed copy, adding identifying text, marking up the original document to show that this exhibit is now present.

Then I assembled all of the documents in the correct order and made a final double triple check of the entire package (I will make a second and third similar check tomorrow). All materials were then placed in the mailer.

It was during these process steps that I became aware I was having difficulties. Creation of the document package was a partial cause (the simple act of describing the process in this post has resulted in the need for an immediate 5-2-5 response) but I think there is something else taking place.

When I am immersed in the creation of a document, I have structure and purpose. Commencing the entry of this line of text mandates that I come to a full stop here. It also necessitates the creation of a new sentence to follow after the first. And then there is the need for this sentence. And finally for this observation.

After the above, there comes the requirement for a new paragraph. I believe I am writing a document. What in fact is taking place is that the document is writing me. The structure of the document creation process serves to define and program my activities. When I am deep in the throes of document creation, I experience a great deal of difficulty. But I also gain attachment to purpose and meaning. The document actualizes me, forces me into constructive activity, provides an objective, and delivers a practical structure around which my entire day comes to revolve. Once the document is completed, all this structure, all the definition, all the programming, becomes absent. I return to being a bump on a log, a lump of apathy.

This contrast between the forced arousal associated with document production, and a “normal” rest state of apathy was first noted by me in January 2013 at a time when I completed the initial insurance clain appeal. I experienced the contrast between the structure and purpose of the document phase, and the apathy of the non-document phase. Once I experienced this contrast, I realized that I did not like the non-document apathy phase and I cast about for another document type project with which I might engage.

In essence, my chief form of therapy in response to the injury has consisted of filing appeals and complaints. Bizarre. But true.