On Thursday, I met with N. The experience was powerful and confounding. I commenced jotting notes to myself in an attempt to unpack what had taken place. This series of posts reflects the trajectory of that day, and my associated analysis.
 

A September 14th story in The Globe and Mail titled “Humans are hard-wired for laziness, study finds” reports on research in bio-mechanics. The key insight is here:

Every move you make is actually a symphony of staggering complexity. To simply scratch your nose, your brain has to choose which of your millions of muscle fibres should contract in which order – a task that can be achieved in a near-infinite number of seemingly equivalent ways.

And when figuring out which of all possible combinations to go with, your body tends to pick the one that expends the least amount of energy.

Without any form of conscious thought, the body will select a mode of movement that minimizes energetic cost. This can be shown to be true. It is a proven fact.

Psychic Costs

It would seem reasonable to assume that events also have associated psychic costs. This is the likely reason for the “white lie.” We know that telling the truth will create difficulties for us. We sidestep those difficulties with a lie. The target of the lie is likely completely aware of our mendacity. But to demand the truth from us would create difficulties, and raise energetic costs for them. So they play along, and accept the lie.

In communicating with N, I used the phrase “coming out of the closet.” I was struck by this usage as our meeting had no sexual content, and there was no discussion of sexual preference, or any related topics. My use of the phrase appeared a little risque. I did not fully understand why this phrase popped into mind and appeared appropriate.

When thinking of psychic costs, and an innate preference for the least problematic, least cost, social engagement or interaction, it makes complete sense for an individual to remain in the closet, and to conceal any sexual bias, or preference. The psychic costs of “coming out” may be so high that the individual lies to himself / herself.

I suspect the reason this phrase came to mind is due to the psychic costs associated with the loss of well developed social functions. As humans, we are akin to fish swimming in a sea of lies. On some lies we are in total and complete agreement: The future is going to be great. We agree with this statement despite being very aware that our future is limited, and our present is subject to termination at any instant. Events such as 9/11 bring this incontrovertible fact home to us. We are horrified to be forced into facing the truth of our limited temporal existence.

There is a psychic cost to the truth of admitting to impaired social and cognitive functions arising from brain injury.

I am conscious of the fact that I have devised various ways of “feigning normal.” I lie to myself as it is very unwelcome to admit to the truth of injury. I attempt to feign being normal as I wish to avoid being perceived as “slow” or “backward” or “socially defective.”

Routine Behaviours

A second set of thoughts derive from these observations. These thoughts deal with the fact that what we experience as “brain injury” may in fact be a consequence of the brain’s accommodation to injury.

Persons with brain injury are known to resort to routine behaviours. Prior to the injury I sought out non-routine, spontaneous, undirected activity. After the injury, I exhibited a strong preference for behavioural routine. A friend folds laundry and finds it soothing. I chop endless amounts of vegetables. When I engage in volunteer work, I take solace in highly repetitive tasks. When I am faced with difficult tasks, such as writing legal documents, I shy away due to the effort involved. I must force myself to undertake work with a high cognitive demand.

Tasks with a high cognitive demand will result in an increased requirement for 0² and brain glucose. Highly repetitive, routinized tasks will act to conserve 0² and reduce brain glucose demand.

We know that when we are physically injured, we will likely respond with a limp. It is therefore also probable that the behavioural traits associated with long term mTBI symptomatology represent the brain’s attempt to reduce its processing demands to a level commensurate with its reduced capacity to function.

These ideas were prompted by a search for a scientific paper I wanted to forward to N. The paper described research which showed that persons of high intelligence (high cognitive capacity) suffered greater effects from mTBI than persons of lesser intelligence (lower cognitive capacity).
 

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Update Note 1

My rehab program has involved daily walks of 7 miles per day with a significant aerobic requirement (see this post on the hill climb). This activity appears to have resulted in improved cognitive capacity. I am undertaking tasks I would have been unable to perform a year ago.

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Update Note 2

Writing the blog has proved very valuable as a rehab activity. Blogging involves a considerable number of routinized steps. It combines this routine with an opportunity to engage in creative expression. My sense of this activity is that it has delivered a structured approach to the gradual repair of prior cognitive skills, and / or assisted in the development of cognitive skills not present prior to the injury. Dr H advised that blogging acted to “reprogram” the brain. It exploits the brain’s capacity for neuroplasticity.