One of the big advantages of the TAQ submission process is that it has helped structure my time. In the morning I would rise and encounter a half finished document which would be completed before continuing with the creation of the next submission. At night, I would go to bed with a half finished document ready and waiting for me to complete in the morning.

There also existed a record of achievement. My record keeping was sloppy and ad hoc but, regardless of these defects, the work provided a sense of continued forward momentum. This work on TAQ submissions, and the research underpinning these submissions, represented a full day effort. The only time out was for meals, sleep, naps, walks to quell the frustration eruptions, and doctor visits. That has been the pattern of my life over the past year. It is the pattern followed since the the first submission in the fall of 2012.

At the time of the 2012/2013 initial submission, I developed a distinct awareness of the contrast between the magnitude of the submission effort, and my prior level of activity which was lost, or unfocused, or lacking in some quality that I cannot immediately define. When I became aware of the contrast between these two states, my immediate preference was for the state of struggle, for the difficult sense of engagement that accompanied all of my subsequent submissions. This sense of struggle was interpreted as a harbinger of recovery, of making a full return to my pre-injury state.

In retrospect, I see an individual who experienced an injury in March 2011, who had little environmental feedback in regard to that injury, and therefore failed to fully perceive it until he noticed the absence of any panic, or concern, when such concern would have been highly appropriate. After Dr H completed her diagnosis, I do not think I truly understood, or had any true experiential awareness of deficits. I operated within a restricted unconscious routine that functioned as a protective adaptive mechanism. I knew I had some difficulties but I failed to attribute these to a brain injury. It was not until the period immediately after the 2012/2013 submission when I first experienced the distinction between two different mental states and found a strong preference for the state of difficulty and engagement associated with writing a submission. This was more “normal.” It was more representative of my prior self.

The fact that I adhered to the demands of a submission schedule, despite all of the associated difficulty, while I now appear to be engaged in some form of psychological resistance to the same demands, is interesting. My only explanation is derived from the application of Porter / Lawler Expectancy Theory. This theory proposes employee engagement to be directly associated with the employee`s sense of the payoff to be derived from that effort. If the employee does not observe maximum effort leading to maximum reward, then they will moderate their subsequent effort to bring the two facets of their experience back into coherent balance.

My increased understanding of brain injury mechanisms has led to the recognition that no degree of effort will fully restore my prior level of function. Having gained this awareness, there is a sense of futility in continuing to exert myself to the extreme level followed up till now. From this perspective, my resistance to further TAQ submissions represents adoption of a more realistic perception of my situation. My sense of “letting go” results from the abandonment of the aspiration to resume full normal function, abandonment of the reacquisition of my prior self, and acceptance of the loss of all the associated competencies. I am now turning to what economists describe as Satisficing, “a cognitive heuristic that entails searching through the available alternatives until an acceptability threshold is met.” (see Wikipedia article here).

One of my concerns is that I may “pull back” into a shell, and withdraw from the world. The motive for such action rests on the fact that I am aware of my deficits and their manner of expression in the world. I am also keenly aware of my inability to successfully mange these deficits, or inhibit their appearance. Think of a man who knows he will on random occasions leave his house without wearing any pants. Since he is aware such action causes great social embarrassment, and knows he is unable to manage, or fully control, his own behaviour, the likely response is one of retreat and isolation. I am concerned I may be setting out on that path. My immediate solution is to volunteer for a role which helps provide counsel to new mTBI victims. This desire to assist others in avoiding my fate has been with me since I first became aware of the injury.

And, just to be on the safe side, I should perhaps mention that I have not yet left the house not wearing pants. But I have come very, very close.