I have run into a series of problems. The first problem: I lost a large quantity of text while entering a post directly into WordPress. This is an issue that was supposed to have been corrected in the recent 3.6 release.

The second problem: We had an unscheduled power outage during which I lost more text.

And third, and I think this is the crucial factor, I am on the edge of another tailspin. Going back though my accident log (Dr H recommended I maintain a log of events) I suspect this tailspin derives from writing the detail notes in Section 5: Item 5.10 Compulsive writing.

One of the core reasons for conducting this analysis, in fact the only reason, is my belief that this analysis represents a means to get better, to improve, and to restore my pre-accident self. This is a very strong motivation. I really want to believe in this. I want it to happen.

And then I stumble. I loose text. I am unable to keep up the momentum. And I see that it doesn’t matter how much I write, or to what degree I am able to understand. A return to my pre-accident self is unlikely to happen. These analytic efforts, while commendable and good, may actually have little positive effect. It is when I have this thought, a thought I will call awareness of impaired agency, that I begin to tip toe along the edge of a major depression. I realize I am fooling myself with this analytic activity. I think of deleting the entire blog and everything on the PC. Writing just ain’t gonna work no how.

In essence, I am trying to “intellectualize” my way to recovery. I believe that if I gain a better understanding of the injury then I can begin to address and correct it; I will reacquire agency. This is a belief in the primacy of intellect over physical reality. When I come to the realization that this attempt will not work, I fall into despair. The despair arises from a recognition of the loss of agency.

In essence, I am moving between two states. In one state I have a belief in agency and the fact that I am able to influence outcomes. That by virtue of my will, and the energetic application of that will, I can achieve an improved outcome. In the second state, I come to believe in stasis and a loss of agency. No degree of will, or effort, on my part can significantly alter the outcome. And I fall into despair.

I only notice the despair indirectly. A lot of work is needed to rewrite the lost text but I seem unable to address that task. There is now considerable resistance to the entire blog project. My sleep is disrupted;. I went to bed around 2200 last night, woke at 0230 and was unable to get back to sleep until 0500. Slept until noon. That disruption leads me to question what is taking place. Since then I have been trying to pull myself together and get back on track.

When I try and pull myself from out of despair, I force myself into an activity: preparing foodstuffs, taking long walks, searching my library of images for suitable blog photographs, performing kitchen clean-up. All these are routinized activities, quite tedious and elemental. I pursue them as they take my mind off my situation (I have a food processor that I would previously avoid using due to the lengthy clean up required following its use. I am now using it more as I enjoy devoting an hour to a detailed cleaning of the device).

But these routinized activities, while comforting in some way,  do not always reduce my awareness of my situation. They sometimes exacerbate the sense of futility. I just spent 45 minutes trying to fix what I thought was a broken food processor only to discover that I was trying to put the top on backwards. I felt like a dolt and started coming down on myself for being incompetent.

And in the midst of all this turmoil, I somehow gain perspective and I rush to write it down. And it becomes this blog post.

I do not know if writing this is helpful or unhelpful. Dr H wants to put me on depressants and I am resistant to this.

I am going to spend the rest of the afternoon trying to focus on a kitchen clean-up.

Update

These posts are prepared in an external text editor and polished until they are in final form. I then copy the text into the blog where it normally undergoes further revision (up to 50 revisions). This post is an amalgam of several days of notes.

The text editor provides a date / time stamp. From that I can see that I started work on this entry on September 2nd. The post was published today, September 6th. I find this information useful: 1) It shows me how long it takes to get anything done; 2) I realize that I have been honing my thoughts as I worked on the post (the idea of loss of agency only came to me this morning while editing); 3) A sense of confusion as the fact of the blog post tends to undermine the argument contained in the post. Somehow this activity does generate useful insight even when it feels as though it has no positive effect.