Have spent the past three hours trying to sort out cancelled cheques for reimbursement.

I am only dealing with 4 items.

I find I have made many mistakes in my record keeping. I think I made payments when there were no sessions with Dr H. On the dates when I did have sessions, I recorded the dates incorrectly. On the dates for which I made a correct date entry, I misreported the cheque number. I have had to dig through all of my prior files to try and correctly resolve what should be an extremely simple set of events.

Dr H says I should be more accepting of my mistakes. But this level of error makes it impossible to do even rudimentary tasks. I once managed million dollar training budgets with Bow Valley Offshore. I have performed business planning that included stochastic analysis of future revenue flows. I managed complex scheduling with HP. I was once able to program in a variety of languages. Now I am incapable of the simple task of collecting four cancelled cheques and associating them with Dr H’s receipt for reimbursement by Québec Health.

I live a sort of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde type of existence. I appear to cook meals and make photographs reasonably well. My self image is that I am doing fine.

Then I attempt to do a relatively simple task and I am forced to confront my own incompetence. I become hugely frustrated and this is then followed by distress and depression. The latest event was the cheque reconciliation described above. Prior to that it was locating all of my insurance related document submissions for presentation to the lawyer.

The amount of time I must devote to relatively simple tasks means they occupy a huge proportion of my time. I have a list of things that I need to do and I always seem to fall further and further behind. And this does not take account of all the tasks left undone. The kitchen needs another full cleaning. I have papers scattered everywhere, upstairs and down, my general housekeeping is falling apart. I am fighting to return to normalcy and feel that for every advance I make I slip two feet further back down the slope.

This is not a life worth living.