Woke with a shock some time before 0600. It is now 0648. Unable to return to sleep. Unable to recover the dream state apart from the fact that it had something to do with “giving up.”

I suspect I am still dealing with the after-effects of the realization that my change in photographic practice has less to do with any improvement in my cognitive abilities and more to do with a relaxation of my prior standards.

Acknowledgement of this fact throws into question the entire personal narrative of improvement and suggests there has been no real improvement in my condition. I do not want to accept this lack of improvement. At the same time, I am flummoxed; I have no sense of how to progress. What I told myself is not accurate. How then should I proceed?

Lying in the dark and mulling over this question delivered the following insights:

• I no longer have the extremely vivid, larger than life, dream states that I experienced after the accident. Tonight’s dream was vivid but was not at the same level as what I previously experienced.
• I have not had any recent flashback episodes. These were once common. I would be performing some activity and then I would find myself in a reverie from my past.
• I have not had any recent experience of going to bed with a positive attitude and then waking in the morning very down in the dumps. This would happen on a regular basis and I could find no explanation for it.
• There have been no recent (within the past 2 months) eruptions of skin lesions. Last night I did have an irritation on my left backside. This is the same site at which I had lesion activity but I cannot view it so I am unable to make an accurate report. The scar tissue on my left forearm is almost completely healed. The problem area in the vicinity of my left elbow (the site that Val made a comment about) appears to have minimized.
• Yesterday, I found myself staring into space, flummoxed. In the past I would catch myself in “vacant mode.” I would be sitting quietly and my body and mind appeared to be stuck in neutral. I was not really thinking, or obsessing, or observing. I was just there and not very much was going on. Not sure how else to describe that state. I experienced something similar, yet different, yesterday afternoon. I found myself in the same semi-vacant state but yesterday I was stuck, flummoxed, ruminating on my recent discovery of the change in my photographic routine, trying to grasp the implications of that discovery. To phrase this in an alternate way: I was engaged in the performance of some cognitive, introspective task. I was not just sitting there with a blank mind which is what I believe was the case during prior similar episodes. Yesterday’s experience made me aware that I have not experienced these “blank episodes” for some time now.

This is a slender catalogue of positive changes. I have been contemplating the listing and asking myself to what degree this list is simply a further case of self-deception. I want to recover my prior abilities. I want recovery to the degree that I will cling to even the most minute evidence of improvement. I want to believe I am improving. I need to believe in that fact.

If I am unable to believe in the possibility of improvement then I am left with giving up the attempt. I am not sure what this entails and am trying to put this thought out of mind.