I cannot remember where this particular idea originated. I think it was contributed by Dr H. She suggested I should take a day off. On the face of it, this is an absurd idea. My problem concerns the fact I am on permanent days off. What I want to do is get back in the game and exit my forced “vacation.”

Getting out of the house for an extended walk is a good form of therapy. So today I played hooky. As I walked, a number of thoughts popped into mind. Some of these were useful, others less so.

In the less than helpful category, I found I was blaming myself for all of my present problems. If only I had been more aware. If only I had understood the signs of injury. If only I was better informed about TBI and CTE and DAI and a large forest of technical jargon and acronyms. If only.

During the walk, I reviewed the first months after the accident. Today, with the benefit of hindsight, I can identify the signs of injury that should have driven me to seek medical attention. I berated myself for being stupid, for not recognizing these signs. In retrospect I perceive my error. But I only perceive it due to having worked hard to become better informed about brain trauma. I did not obtain a detailed, in depth, knowledge of the injury until well after the accident. Even when I was first diagnosed as suffering from TBI, I refused to believe it.

Today, on the walk, I beat up on myself for being stupid. Then I beat up on myself for beating up on myself. Then I tried to change the subject of my thoughts and keep moving forward.

A more useful insight had to do with complexity. There is a common thread which runs through my recent experience of life. This thread has to do with my inability to handle complexity. This applies to all of the abandoned projects. It applies to the letters, notices and invoices I put aside. It applies to my preference for routine behaviour. It applies to the present household clean up effort.

My home is not large. But it is too big for me to manage. I only use small portions of the space. My past work was awash in complexity. Programming is complex. Computer hardware is complex. Bicycles are complex. Cooking, at least as I used to do it, is complex. Photography was complex until I simplified it. Writing dwells on the border of complexity but writing is a therapeutic exercise that appears to benefit me so I force myself to engage in it even when I wish to avoid the effort.

This is not an exhaustive list of my thoughts, or a detailed examination of the issues. But my sense is that this insight into complexity sheds light on the nature of the problems I face and the behaviour patterns that emerged after the accident. I thought I had a problem with excessive reliance on routine. I don’t. What I actually experience is difficulty in dealing with any area of complexity. A reliance on routine offers a solution to this problem. The house has become too complex to manage? I retreat into a small corner of it. My past projects were too detailed, too sophisticated? I abandon them. I have books filled with complex ideas. I am unable to read them.

—————————————

Day Off Update

After making this blog post I spent time reflecting on the three month period that followed immediately after the accident. I experienced a great many different problems. I dropped things, had balance problems, became easily confused, and felt as if I was operating inside a mental fog that would not lift. I attributed these issues to the fact I was attempting to transition back to a normal day schedule after almost three years of working nights. I could not understand why this transition was so difficult for me and I contemplated seeking out a physician. In Québec there is a critical shortage of physicians and it seemed easier to just focus on my sleep discipline.