The human species is unlike all other mammals in one unique way. The human brain contains a “central control network” (CCN) which provides a means to exert volitional control over behaviour, to force the body to undertake actions that imperil the life of the individual. An example would be the man who rushes into a fire in order to save others. When you encounter a serious fire, every fibre in your body wants you to run, to evacuate to safety. This is the normal reaction. The human brain and the CCN provides the ability to assert volitional control and force certain behaviours even when these behaviours run counter to the survival instincts of the individual.

I suspect my first encounter with this CCN facility came I filed the insurance claim appeal. I believed my life hung in the balance, that I had to complete and submit this document regardless of how difficult the process might be. It took an enormous amount of effort and occupied me full time from mid November 2012 until the first week of January 2013.

Once it was complete, I experienced a vacuum, a gap. I had to force my way through to document completion. A sense of relief followed but I also found I missed the associated exertion and task demands. The difficulty associated with the effort was preferable to the zombie state into which I felt I was about to relapse. I therefore cast about for a replacement task.

I was on the board of a small Ottawa non-profit. This organization was affiliated with associated groups distributed all across Canada. I commenced working on a email newsletter in support of the local group and then extended this idea as a means of providing support to all of the affiliates.

This activity was not as intense as the writing of the insurance claim but it presented considerable challenge. Somehow this project, work which was well within my capabilities pre-accident, blew up in my face. I was faced with the forced acknowledgement of my deficits.

In the history of my injury this was the first time I fully understood in an experiential way the limits imposed by TBI. The problems I encountered were the first concrete evidence of my impairment. My interpretation of these events is that this was the first occasion on which my self-capacity was thrown into question, the first conflict between my competence pre and post injury, the first shock to my self image, the first awareness that the person I believed myself to be was no longer present.

There may be a technical term which delivers a more concise description of this set of events. All I know is that my failure made it impossible to ignore the deficits. My self concept was severely undermined. In place of diligent competence, I discovered severe limits and an inability to perform to my prior capacity. The shock came in the form of a personal crisis followed by a major depressive event.

From what I now understand of the concept of self-capacity, this March / April 2013 period marks the moment when I first had to resolve the loss of my prior self-capacity. It was during this time I gained awareness of the need to accept a very different sense of self. It was a very difficult time.