Have to watch myself like a hawk. Came home with a bag of groceries including perishables. Went upstairs to change. Then commenced to spend time washing shirts etc. Eventually came downstairs and gazed at bag of decaying groceries.

I am struggling with a digital book which I have become afraid to read. The book is titled Self-Therapy for Traumatic Brain Injury: Teaching Yourself to Prevent Head-Injured Moments, written by Larry E. Schutz, PhD., ABPP. I attempted to download this over two years ago but was for some reason unable to do so. N sent me a copy.

The struggle comes from the fact that my efforts may be wholly misguided. Schutz suggests the effects of mTBI are permanent. The belief in a 100% recovery is an act of self deception on the part of the victim.

My resort to “bulldozer” methods may be wholly inappropriate. Almost everything I have done has been based on the idea that I must summon all of my energy and dedicate myself 200% to the performance of a task. Regardless of how difficult the task may be, I set everything else aside and plough ahead. The more impossible the task, the greater the negative feedback, the worse the daily outcome, despite the presence of all such obstacles, I continue to hammer my way forward. In reality I am making no progress at all.

Part of the self-deception comes from the fact that I can refer to objective measures of output: a SAAQ appeal document, an in progress bio-mechanical analysis of the physics of the accident, a series of complaints to various government bodies and departments, almost 300 blog posts, an Accident Log of more than 330,317 words, and 885.6 miles walked so far in 2015.

Four and a half years of effort and I am left feeling crushed.