Up 0830
Difficulty sleeping last night. Realized it was the five year anniversary of injury. Minds eye kept cycling through events from the night of the accident. Also reflected further on last week’s meeting with Dr D. Now believe that her introduction of the “random universe” was an attempt to bring me to a state of equanimity over the injury outcomes. During the meeting, I responded with some knowledge in regard to the Existentialists, notably Camus. It has taken me more than four days to understand the probable intent of her remarks. Call me slow and addled.

Robbed of a Future

Sense that my present malaise has to do with being robbed of a future. I am forced into acceptance of the fact that my ability to moderate, or alter, my future trajectory is limited. Whether this is true, or not, is irrelevant. What is critical is the need for belief in this possibility of a future, a belief in the operation of personal agency in the creation of an improved present. I no longer have confidence in that agency, no longer believe in a future over which I exert control. No matter what I believe, I shall carry my damaged present forward into a future thrust upon me on March 6th, 2011.

Post Fatigue Nap Insight

Realize now why Dr H launched into a discussion of metaphysics. She was attempting to bring me to an acceptance of the randomness of physical existence, the quixotic forever merger of atoms and genes, preferences and beliefs, the boiling stew that we denote by the label “life.” Not just human life, but all forms of living interchange in all the kingdoms of the world. And not just active biological life forms but also the processes operating deep within the crust of the earth, the great tectonic fires, crustal plates sliding across a molten ball of iron forever bombarded by radiation originating hundreds of millions of years in the past. One goes dizzy attempting to grok this animated display of non-reason.

I realize that I am in physical pain. The pain comes from the forced acknowledgement of my limited future. This fact drives home the degree to which the concept of a malleable future, the opportunity for change that gives us a sense of agency and control, the degree to which that aspiration is an unrecognized component of each human life.

It has the force of physical pain. The forced confrontation with this pain is the primary reason for my avoidance behaviour.