I became distracted by the prior post and failed to complete it. Or I entertained thoughts that I then suppressed. Take your pick. What I failed to describe was the sense of existing in a floating world.

This set of thoughts is difficult to unpack. It is like trying to catch a young trout by hand as it flashes by in the stream. There is a sparkle and a splash and it is not until the water subsides that you open your hand to see what you have caught.

On the periphery of mind there is another cluster of thoughts. I am not sure what they encompass. Or perhaps I do know and am therefore resistant to address them.

Life is a strange sort of magic trick. We step on to a stage, there are bright lights, applause, a series of effects follow one after the other. We conjure ourselves from out of this experience. We have no interest in understanding how the magic works. That would spoil the evening and reduce the spectacular to the mundane. We need to remain convinced of the excitement and the promise, left hungry for all the magic nights to follow.

When I locate myself in a series of incomplete projects, I am not sure where that leaves me. I become reduced to a set of appetites which help animate a floating world which, despite its knocks and hard edges, is little more than a set of diaphanous veils we wish to never remove.

If my life is nothing more than a string of events that can be abruptly and accidentally halted, then what is it I seek to achieve? What did my appetites fuel? Or perhaps I should write that as Who do my appetites fool?

I am not sure where this line of thought leads. I am not sure that it leads anywhere. I do find myself asking why I continue to struggle forward.

There is a sense of loss as I recognize that part of the reason I cannot engage with past projects may be due to my present inabilty to engage in complex thought. Many of the projects were embedded in a concept of the future. I no longer have this sense of the future. I appear to be anchored in a one dimensional present. Part of my night wakefulness derives from the attempt to investigate, define, and forecast, the immediate future. I find this extremely difficult to do.

There is the thought of penury and the future cost of “buying back” the very objects I am today throwing out.

There is the thought that I am lucky that I did not experience this injury when I was younger. I have had the opportunity to experience life, to learn from it, to enjoy it. I shudder to think of the impact brain injury would have on a young person, the degree to which it would curtail their experience. On the other hand, I suspect that had I been younger I would have escaped all injury.

There is the question of how shall I earn an income? What is abundantly clear is that I am unlikely to return to the type of work I performed previously. But I am then left with the question if not that, then what? To date I have not encountered any resource that would help me answer this question.