I have this sense of not being able to see the forest because all the trees are in the way. And immediately after writing the previous sentence I went to make coffee and ended up spilling most of the kettle over the kitchen floor. I do not know precisely how I did that but it is more or less typical. I go to perform some very simple action and I botch it and end up feeling totally incompetent. This is one problem. But I have others.

Time Perdu

I appear to have a problem with time. I thought it had been a little over a week since the last blog update. It turns out to have been almost a month. When I sought to obtain a copy of my file from Dr X it took me two months to respond with the required payment; I thought the interval was only one week. I also had an email from Dr D and realized that I had not seen her for over a month; I had no awareness that the interval was so great. My sense is that this is a frequent problem.

General Errors

I continue to encounter, or discover, errors I have made. The most notable of these was when I began collecting materials to send to the lawyer. As I read through one submission I noted a gross error in the calculations. The calculation was part of the accident reconstruction; when I corrected the error I was able to derive a reasonable time sequence for the reconstruction something I had been unable to do before. I found further errors in other documents.

What is difficult to accept about this is the fact that I worked very very hard to make the documents accurate in all respects. It has been very disheartening to find that even when I focus all my attention on a task that I still invoke errors. Even worse, I appear to be unable to perceive these errors despite double and triple checking my work.

Depression

I had an appointment with Dr D yesterday. I arrived early and waited. She never came out of her office. I waited a further 30 minutes and then left. I was distraught as I thought I had somehow confused the time and arrived late or on the wrong date and I felt very negative and down about this (see the above paragraphs for my ability to make errors and my problems with time; both are reflected in this event).

One positive outcome was the need to explain my recent history to Dr D. As I made that attempt I realized that I have accomplished very little. I have been sleeping a significant amount and feeling down in the dumps. My hunch is that the trigger for this was the discovery of the errors in my prior submissions. I work very hard at something, exert myself to get it correct and then discover perception and reality do not match. I end up having great doubts about my competence and my ability to accomplish anything. The immediate outcome appears to be some form of despair or depression.

This is not healthy and I suspect it is self perpetuating.