In a prior post I presented a new rule. Whenever I make a blog entry that mentions depression, or feeling down, I must then investigate the reasons for feeling this way. My reasoning is that if I learn to identify the triggers for depression then I may be able to avoid those triggers.

This strategy has resulted in a number of outcomes.

The first outcome is that I avoid any mention of depression, or of feeling down. If I mention it, then I must investigate it and write about it. If I avoid any mention then I can avoid these self imposed tasks. Twisted logic to be sure, but that appears to be the way I am behaving.

The second outcome is that while I avoid the mention of depression, I think I have grown more sensitive to any evidence of depression. I believe I am now more likely to identify this issue and undertake an attempt to address it. Such evidence of depression includes:

Reaction Sleep

Some event occurs and I am unable to handle it and I go to bed and sleep. A recent example was the letter from the insurance company announcing an impossible to meet submission deadline. This is different from fatigue sleep.

Resistance to Waking

I wake according to my regular schedule, poke my head out from under the covers, catch a glimpse of the world, and immediately retreat back under the covers for two to three more hours. Both Reaction and Resistance Sleep are interesting as I cannot duplicate this behaviour when I am in a positive mental state. There have been times when I have wanted to remain in a warm cozy bed. But, when I make this conscious attempt outside of a down period, I find I am unable to sleep. I will arise within a short period of time and resume normal activities.

Food Preparation

On multiple occasions I have found myself spending hours in the kitchen doing food prep. This typically involves lots of chopping, and mincing, and dicing. This seems to be a lower level of response than Reaction Sleep. If I feel agitated, or out of sorts, [not sure what the correct descriptors should be. Make an attempt to monitor this in real time on next occurrence. Update: My last clear memory of this was when I was collecting physical papers and became frustrated to the point I just wanted to throw things. At this point I abandoned the paper shuffle and went into the kitchen to perform routines that I find to be soothing.] I will retreat to the kitchen and commence cooking something. This may be something special (microwave carrot cake with its multiple steps and long list of ingredients) or it may be an ordinary dish which I can make in bulk (soup stock is an excellent example. Especially since it involves a lot of chopping). There have been occasions on which I have made more food than I can adequately store, or more food than I can eat before it spoils.

Food Consumption

When I am down I eat more. This is a useful objective measure and can be easily quantified by photographing my weigh scale. I used to take these images on a regular basis but then abandoned this practice. I need to resume it.

Routine Abandonment

That last entry gives rise to the thought that evidence of depression may be found in a change in daily routine i.e. I give up monitoring my weight. Or I cease some other normal activity. Logically this makes sense. If I spend an increased number of hours sleeping, eating, and preparing food, then there will be fewer hours available in which to perform other activities.

Blogging

I have noted a tendency to focus on the blog when I have a problem. Creating a blog entry requires that I organize a mass of data, or distill a series of events into a set of descriptive paragraphs. My hunch is that I use the blog for “writing out” a problem. I will note some issue, and then spend time collecting notes on the topic, preparing rough drafts, organizing my understanding, building a description, trying to grasp the implications and the outcomes. Just as it is possible to utilize External Memory it seems reasonable to also employ External Cognition. I can now lay claim to the discovery of a new meta-cognitive therapy: EMEC. [may need a much more catchy acronym]

I have been contemplating this last entry in light of the fact that this has been a relatively easy post to write. On reflection, I realized that this post represents the summation of a series of notes distributed in several different files over the course of the past week. I use the files to record External Memory, adding detail, and observations, to this record over the course of several days. Essentially, I have been thinking on paper, trying to pull this set of issues into focus.

This morning I had a spontaneous thought in regard to the post — it popped into mind and, as I jotted it down, the balance of the associated thoughts began falling into place. In one sense the post “wrote itself.” In another sense I have used the computer to log snippets of information and partial observations. Even when I am not deliberating on these topics I suspect that the associated details are being processed by my mind [one of my doctors stated that even when unconscious the mind is still processing data. This is also true of a sleep state. So it seems highly likely this may also be true of a waking state. This is equivalent to a background process running on a PC]. When the mental blender was near to completing its processing, I triggered the final output by writing down the opening paragraph that came to me this morning unbidden. As I wrote the opening, the balance of the text flowed out on to the page. Some text is very difficult to write and some text arrives by a process that is near magic in the way it works. This morning’s activity was closer to the magic end of the spectrum.

I also realized that one of the reasons for feeling down has to do with a sense of rejection. Multiple rejection events:

• Insurance company rejection via an arbitrary deadline
• Colleague rejection through lack of response to my outreach
• Fear of employment rejection due to slow response, slow processing
• Fear of community rejection of TBI Proposal outreach
• Filial rejection due to my son not communicating

The last was the most difficult to admit to myself but I suspect it had the most impact. Had a message from him this morning. All is well. He was out of touch for a bit. He does game development in New York and he sent me his latest work project (I know very little about games and current game trends. For this reason I am a perfect test guinea pig). Yesterday I sent back my feedback report which was helpful to him. So his email gave a positive start to the day.

And this observation raises the thought that this positive response from Colin was instrumental in unblocking, or resolving, the tangle of issues that had resulted in a negative effect.