How The Brain Works was very helpful to me. It delivered two key understandings. The first was the role of the “control centre” and the explanation of homo sapiens sapiens ability to over-ride ingrained behaviours and force the body to perform actions it would otherwise refuse to perform.
I believe this capacity for extreme wilful behaviour is what sets our species apart from all others. I know of no other species with the peculiar habit of deliberately terminating its own existence. Nor can I think of another species able to perform the heroic acts of self-sacrifice so frequently celebrated in war movies. The propensity, or the ability, to perform such an act of self-sacrifice suggests that we are biologically programmed to place the welfare of the group above the welfare of the individual. This is in stark contrast to the accepted wisdom of contemporary society which elevates the interests of the individual above all else, to the point of denying that society exists (cv Margaret Thatcher’s 1987 statement “. . . who is society? There is no such thing!“)
In my situation, I suspect I first activated this control centre at the time of writing the insurance claim appeal in the period November 2012 to January 2013. I did not know about the control centre at the time but I was very aware of the concerted effort I needed to exert in order to drive the appeal document through to completion. Once the appeal had been submitted, I experienced a vacuum. I found myself sitting motionless staring at nothing in particular. To remain engaged, to feel vital, I began to cast about for activities that offered up a further context for control centre activation.
The second of the key understandings involves the Problem-Solving Network and its role in maintaining a realistic self-concept. I realize I lack both self awareness and a realistic sense of my own capacities. When I read “This is why survivors feel so sure that they are not making mistakes . . .” I see myself. When I read about damage to this network causing the victim to be “disinterested in doing things to repair their deteriorating lifestyles” I have another flash of self-recognition. I am not so much disinterested as I have problems with determining what to do, or with coming to an understanding of my predicament. I will lie awake at night for hours at a time, trying to come to grips with my situation, to try and pull my life into focus. I seem unable to do this. I date this late night activity to early in 2013 when I undertook projects which were well beyond my present abilities. When things began to go off the rails, I had a difficult time responding. In the first instance I thought these failures were due to the actions of others (and there is some evidence of that). In the second instance I realized that I was simply unable to meet the project task requirements. Without realizing it, I was engaged in self-deception, fooling myself. In hindsight these two episodes of unrealistic over extension are deeply embarrassing, like discovering you have gone out in public and forgotten to put on your pants.
These events culminated in the March / April 2013 crisis. This was followed by my retreat to a place of safety as if I were a turtle withdrawing into its shell. In my case I have withdrawn into the house, and begun to avoid those activities where I might run into difficulty, or expose myself to more embarrassment and humiliation. I have gone full circle, from witless overestimation of my capacities, to a distrust of my abilities and my perceptions.
In writing this post (I have spent a lot of time on it though this might not be apparent) I have come to realize the great benefit of this attempt at blogging. It is fundamentally immaterial if anyone else reads this text. The critical aspect of this blog is that it forces me to think, compels me to engage my mind, encourages me to cultivate an improved awareness of events.
In the same way that the computer functions as a form of external memory upon which I have become dependent, this blog functions as a form of externalized cogitation, a form of thinking out loud, or thinking on paper. It is a means of modelling my thoughts and provoking myself to further mental development.