It is difficult to encounter the old me. He was a very different person. The chief differences are found in the form of the organized me, and the disorganized me. Org-me maintained a suite of binders stuffed with excruciating amounts of well ordered technical data. Dis-org me finds these strange relics of past technical literacy, and thumbs through them with no understanding or comprehension. Dis-org me is shocked to discover this forgotten alter-ego. He contemplates the fact that Dis and Org represent the same person separated only by time and injury. Dis and Org are two unique people united only by name.

Org-me operated a filing system to manage his bill payments and help classify all his other paper documents  He was meticulous in filing each scrap of paper. Honestly, I think it fair to say Org-me bordered on the anal-retentive with a pinch of obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) thrown into the mix. Dis-org me stacks documents with wild abandon, growing random tottering piles. When he attempts to impose order, all he achieves is the geographic displacement of the stack. The paper once sat over there, a tottering white Everest. It has now been moved here and, in its new location, it has shape shifted into a leaning Matterhorn threatening imminent collapse.

Org-me is recognized by his absence. Dis-org me struggles to sift through Org-me’s paper history. It is a battle to read it, interpret it, deal with it. Should these vestigial elements of a past self be saved? Or thrown out? No decision is ever reached.

Each glimpse of the vanished Org-me results in immediate blow-back. Dis-org is stunned by the evidence of change, the degree of loss, the alterations of capacity, and interest. The outcome is less a sense of loss and more a sense of heightened incomprehension, a lack of understanding, a recognition of the failure to recover what has been lost.

 Update

I am encountering a great deal of pain in my left shoulder area. I know the muscle has atrophied and that the arm has weakened. One aspect of my clean up activity is extensive use of the arms. I end up having to stop work due to shoulder pain. I thought it would ameliorate with time as the muscle strengthened with use. This does not appear to be happening. I need to bring this up with Dr H and obtain her recommendation.