Completed the TBI Rehab proposal today. The first thing I did, once I cleared  all the items on the task list, was to send an email to Colin and provide him with the link and an update. I have held off communicating with him as most of what I have had to say has not been positive: a slow, drawn out response from the insurer, no response from the Minister of Health, growing awareness of my predicament, no sense of improvement. Or, if there has been improvement, it is composed of minor increments and not fit and to be noticed. I do not want to be the constant bearer of bad news. It has been easier just to remain silent and this has resulted in large gaps in communications.

I realize that I also have other communications I need to make.

I am a member of an Ottawa non-profit which has independent affiliates all across Canada. A year ago, before I was fully cognizant of the extent of my injury I embarked on a project to create a newsletter that might link all of the affiliates. The project did not start on that basis; it had its origins in a much more limited focus, initially as a rehab project and then expanded into the larger vision of a newsletter that would serve to link all the groups.

Engagement in this activity resulted in what may best be called a “crisis of discovery.” I would spend two or three days in crafting a single email. When a response came in I was unable to respond in a timely way. I was both slow and quickly overwhelmed. This came as a shock. This was the first forced recognition of the injury, the first time I came to understand the implications.

I was also very embarrassed. I did not want to admit to myself that I was in some way mentally defective or incompetent. Even now it is very difficult to write those words and leave them standing on the page. The urge is to erase them. Banish them. Hide them. Once they stain the page those same words somehow come to stain me, to discolour my self image, eviscerate my prior sense of self and leave me as . . .

I do not know the answer to the question I am forced to ask.