I entered another tailspin. The problem lasted for a week and resulted in a highly disrupted sleep schedule. I have pulled out of the tailspin, but the sleep disruption continues.

Things became so difficult that I considered taking up Dr H’s suggestion that I go on anti-depressants. But I am reluctant to begin medication. My current life project concerns the return to a measure of increased self-awareness. Taking a drug which serves to blank self-awareness seems counter-productive.

All medication has side effects and these effects vary from individual to individual. My body delivers enough strange goings-on; I do not wish to add more. I seek to become comfortable with the person I am, to know myself once again, and I do not want to encounter another altered self. I believe I would have trouble sorting out which problems were due to medication and which problems were due to the injury.

This in itself is a very strange notion — the idea of having to get to know oneself again. But that is the core, unstated, objective of the analysis project.

If I consider the possible triggers of the tailspin, the suspect cause was likely my realization the analysis project would not be the magic bullet that results in the resolution of all my TBI issues. When I began the project, I was extremely positive and optimistic.  I believed the review would cast a bright light on the injury, and on the extent of my recovery. I believed it might demonstrate a way forward, or form the basis for a comprehensive  rehabilitation plan.

While still actively engaged in the review, I realized this outcome was unlikely. The analytic write-up was similar to my other expeditions into text. It represents a variation on Item 5.10 Compulsive writing. The analytic effort, and the detailed write up, is now understood as a further sign of the injury, not as a magic portal leading to the path of immediate recovery. Once again my expectations were set too high. When these unrealistic expectations were tempered by reality, I entered a state of despair. The tailspin.

In the past week, I have become disenchanted with the analysis project and with the entire blog project. What at first appeared to offer so much is now revealed to be another dead end. Or worse — as an example of me leading myself around in a circle under the illusion I am making forward progress.

This post started out as an entry in my Accident Log. I have converted it for use on the blog. Regardless of what I have written above, I realize that this blog actually serves a useful functions as a “window,” or record, of my trials and tribulations. No one else reads it; I may as well extract the maximum benefit by utilizing it as a semi-formal record of both my activities and my outlook. The awareness of a potential audience forces me to clarify and hone my thinking. I believe this is useful.

Here is what I have been doing recently:

• Cleaning up a backlog of papers, bills, account statements etc. This has the characteristics of an archaeological dig. I am finding lots of material from March / April, the period of crisis. I am now discovering that I put all other aspects of my life on hold during the crisis period. I certainly failed to deal with a great many routine tasks.

• I appear to have a strong preference for highly repetitive tasks. I am resisting the urge to polish all the kitchen pots but I find this type of mind numbing task attractive. The paper clean-up should be mind numbing but it is not. If I am not careful, it quickly becomes an exercise in frustration.

• If I lack an established routine to follow, I will run into problems. I end up with a piece of paper I do not know how to handle. It ends up in the “exceptions” pile. This pile gets constantly bigger.

• I appear uncomfortable with decision making. I do a task, I come to a decision point, and I defer the decision. I prefer menial tasks that do not invoke decisions.

• I am very slow. I am making progress but that progress is glacial.

• Meal prep has a calming effect. When I become unsettled, or frustrated, one of the first things I will do is fight the urge to escape the house, or throw something. Or I will commence preparing food. A simple soup will turn into an orgy of cutting, chopping, mincing, and endless dicing  ( I have a machine which will do this work for me. I have a preference for endless manual labour ). The initial kitchen clean up revealed my lost stock of dried herbs and spices. I now spend time happily toasting Indian spices (the aroma is heavenly). Then I crush them to powder in a small ceramic mortar. More handwork!

• I catch myself becoming caught up in mindless activity. I will “latch on” to a highly routine task and will become fully absorbed in it despite the task being “dull” and “repetitive.” I enjoy the routine. Prior to the accident, I would have to force myself to do routine chores and repetitive tasks. Now, I seek them out and become happily lost in their performance.

• Much of the household disorder is due to the fact that I devoted the majority of my waking time to drafting the submission to the insurance company or similar related activities. There was zero time left in the day to perform chores. I had to devote my full attention to the task at hand in order to ensure its completion.

• I cannot find my chequebook.

It is now 1630. I cannot believe it is this late. I have been working diligently all day and feel as if I have accomplished nothing at all. I am starting to feel unease over the fact I have accomplished so little. I think now is a good time to stop the paper shuffle and commence making some broccoli ginger soup.

Update

As soon as I become overly confident, and / or attempt to speedup, I am reminded that I need to slow down and follow my procedures and checklists. Tonight’s reminders were a messy splat of Omega3 margarine on the floor, and a stove burner forgetfully left on. But the soup was delicious.

 Update 2

This is being posted at 0437. Was unable to sleep.

 Update 3

It is now September 14th. I have just completed a through revision of this post. I realize that this is another positive effect of the blog. It forces me to confront my own awareness and place my behaviours in context. These descriptions function as a form of learning tool. If nothing else, the blog proves very helpful in this regard. I must thank Dr H for her wisdom in encouraging me to start this activity.

Update 4

It is now September 1st, 2015, a few days short of two years later. It was around the time of my making the September 10th Observations listed above that Dr. Evil was making his false submission to the Collège des Médecins du Québec.

In this post I have used private code. When I speak of a tailspin, I am speaking of thoughts of suicide. If I were to write honestly then there is the danger of men in white coats trying to hustle me off to where ever it is people get hustled off to.

I recognize that I should not end a sentence with a preposition. But I am sure it is acceptable to end a life with a preposition. No one can stop you.

I feel myself surrounded by evil. That I live in a province of evil. There are too many uncaring people resident here for me to want to stay.

But the next thought is that it is exactly for this reason that I should remain and fight. And fight very hard for all of the others who stepped beyond that final unacceptable preposition. People who found themselves entering the vast liquid space of endless light that arrives the moment after the final preposition.

What it leads one to.