My sleep science serves two very different goals. On the one hand it Is a positive, rational response to the fact of my injury. It grants me new insight into my behaviour and physiology. It also entails a great deal of work. This work serves as an avoidance mechanism and prevents me from completing documentation in regard to Dr. X.

I met with Dr. D on Friday and referred to this documentation effort as akin to putting my head back in the Cuisinart. That is what it feels like. The demand for total concentration on a single sustained effort that pushes all else out of the picture as I force myself to complete the work that is necessary.

Yesterday afternoon, I attempted to put together some software to create a discussion group forum for the members of the Concussion Group. This should have been easy. It was a few bits of bolt on software added to an existing domain that has been operational for 8 months now.

For whatever reason, I was unable to get things to work, and broke down in tears at my own incapacity [I have debated if I should report crying. A 63 year old weeping at his own inability to undertake nominally easy tasks is not the sort of information I want plastered across the web. In opposition to this personal sensitivity stands the fact that this blog has been most valuable as a record of my psychological response to the injury. In prior entries, I have sought to use code words to mask some of my less positive psychological reactions. For example, multiple entries exist which speak of encountering a “tail spin.” In truth, this is a code word for a depressive episode leading to thoughts of suicide as the only rational response. Suppressing this reaction, or obscuring the psychological impacts of the injury, does not make it easier for the uninjured lay person to come to an understanding of an experience that I hope neither they, or their loved ones, ever experience. But according to what data I have found, every 1.5 minutes a Canadian experiences a brain injury event. Given that the majority of these victims will have a spouse, a family, parents, relatives, friends and co-workers, the number of persons affected by a single injury is significant.

Everyone has concerns over heart disease. Every 7 minutes in Canada, someone dies from heart disease, or stroke (Statistics Canada, 2011c). Living with an injury that results in you putting raw oatmeal in your morning coffee, or leaving the house without your pants on, or being unable to manage organizing more than two sheets of paper, may have greater negative impact on the individual and their loved ones than an injury that simply vanishes you from the face of the earth. And those persons who do not die from stroke have a significant likelihood of facing life with debilitating cognitive deficits.].

My emotional upheaval immediately turned into something else and that something else was targeted at Dr. X. I have reports from 4 different health professionals indicating a brain injury. Dr X is a neurologist. He saw me almost two years after the date of the injury, treated me in a callous and uncaring manner, and issued a series of extremely prejudicial opinions. My guess is that he decided he didn’t like me. Based on the subsequent actions of SAAQ, the primary reason for SAAQ’s refusal of my claim appears to rest solely on the actions of Dr X. It is also my belief that the weight of the available evidence demonstrates that Dr X lied, and has continued to dissemble in order to protect himself while causing further injury to his patient.

I am aware of at least one other person who was treated by Dr X, and whose experience at the hands of Dr. X mirrors my own. I do not have the full details of this other individual’s interaction with Dr. X, but have learned enough to suggest there exist parallels between the two cases. And if there are two, then there is strong likelihood of there being three, or four, or more individuals, who may have suffered at the hands of an incompetent.

So my upset turned to anger. And I realized that my anger was profoundly non-productive. I was huffing 5-2-5 like a steam engine as I sought to bring myself under control, and remain focused. It became clear that I have been using the Sleep Experiment project as a means to avoid re-engaging with all of the difficult work I must do to counter Dr. X. Fired with anger, I turned to the activity I had been avoiding and spent most of the night working on a second, more accurate translation of a false statement made by Dr. X.