I appear to be be faced with an uphill struggle. But first the good news. On Wednesday I filed my first job application. The job was posted on a portable sign outside a grocery store. It was first spotted two days earlier when I was on my way to see a doctor.

Today is Saturday and I am just back from a walk. There was no walk yesterday. I realize I entered tailspin mode after completing the job application. I slept heavily, didn’t exercise, and returned to eating large food portions. I am still under my caloric needs. The various apps, and the information they provide, permit me to keep much closer tabs on my state of mind.

I know I went through something similar after submitting the TBI Proposal to a local non-profit and receiving what I perceived to be a rebuff. So we have two outreach events and in both of them I reacted in a similar way.

During the walk, I tried to puzzle out the reason for this. There are two possible triggers. The first derives from the fact it takes significant effort to produce a document, be it a letter, an insurance claim submission, or a formal proposal. A blog post is relatively easy in comparison.

Because of this level of effort there is an implicit assumption on my part that the “reward,” or the associated response, should be commensurate with the amount of effort invested. This is clearly not the case. I undertake a major effort and there is zero response, or a perceived rebuff. This is difficult to accept and leads me into the tailspin.

The second trigger is the forced realization of the fact that what I am attempting to do is difficult to accomplish on my own. I need some form of assistance beyond the medical care obtained from my doctors. My problem is that I do not have a clear understanding of what this assistance might be, or where to obtain it. What I do know is that I must keep pushing myself forward.