Very frustrated. Since seeing Dr N on Friday, all of this week has been devoted to tests, arranging tests, going to tests. I really dislike this medical business. Each test event removes me from the comfort zone of my normal routine and I find that I quickly encounter problems. Today I went for X-Rays, the service being provided by a private clinic in an area of Gatineau foreign to me. I  spent time in planning route navigation, using Google maps to locate possible parking spaces and the best way to get there and back.

I have just returned and now have both an oncoming headache and fatigue. Was very worried that I would loose the car as I had to park on a nondescript side street well away from the clinic. I worked to avoid this outcome. But I did enter the wrong clinic before finding the correct one in the basement of the building.

The good news is that I appear to have recovered some of my ability with French. It is still grossly imperfect but I am better able to locate words and phrases and is a distinct improvement from the time after the accident.

When I saw Dr N we had to converse in a mix of French and English. I needed to work very hard to understand him and the onset of fatigue was immediate and quick. I went for a food shop afterwards and lost it at the checkout. I left my gloves on the counter, the checkout person called after me to advise me of my forgotten gloves and then I found myself juggling gloves, purchases, the receipt, debit card and wallet. I was unable to handle all of these events and quickly became frustrated.

I had a similar sense of entering a problem zone when out today. I became aware I was having difficulties and all I wanted to do was get home as quickly and as safely as possible. I think this goes back to the Jekyll and Hyde phenomena described in an earlier post. When I am ensconced in a “safe” set of familiar routines I appear to operate well. As soon as I am exposed to the new, or the unfamiliar, or a task which results in increased cognitive demands, then my performance quickly deteriorates.

When I sense this deterioration I become very distrustful of both my perceptions and judgment. I begin to double and triple check each action and seek to return to a known place of “safety” such as returning home.

This deterioration was noted while trying to write the outreach letters. These were both difficult and taxing. Certain sections of the Proposal web site also resulted in problems. Absent this sense of deterioration I still find myself generating errors in my normal routine. When this is noted I experience great distrust of myself and my double and triple checking mode goes into overdrive. I have become increasingly reliant on multiple record keeping systems so that I can validate one against the other.

As part of the work on the outreach letters I also researched a variety of different cognitive therapies. This resulted in the discovery of a trove of valuable information. Some of that sheds a great deal of light on my condition and I have been working on a post to describe my findings. That comes next.