I have detailed one outcome of being bullied and ostracized as a child. In an effort to fit in and be accepted as a member of the group, I sought to achieve a high standard of performance. This was based on my need to fit it in. Since my physical performance was inadequate, I attempted to compensate on other dimensions. I needed to find a way to be judged equal to everyone else lest I run the risk of being cast out and abandoned. Or worse – be made the target of attack.

The irony here is that the other members of the group, the alpha males in contemporary parlance, did not have to concern themselves with this issue. They were free to indulge their impulses and act as they desired. There was no reason for them to review their own performance. They faced no penalty for failing to meet their own ineffable standard; the accepted group standard was whatever they deemed it to be at the time.

I now realize there was a second aspect to my attempt to conform: an endless hunger to understand, to comprehend, to intellectualize, and to make comprehensible the social phenomenon in which I was embedded. Ingrained in my psyche is the belief that, if I gain intellectual mastery of all the key variables, I will then be able to identify the tacit group standard and be able to conform to it. That I will also be able to predict the likely course of events, garner sufficient understanding to stay one step ahead of the group, and avoid the possibility of an attack. That I might foresee a coming shift in the psychological mood of the group and react in time to save myself from a beating. In essence, I came to believe in rationality; it was the only weapon I had.