The following paragraphs consist of experiment observations. These are prose snippets created during the experiment as I attempted to capture relevant data. Spelling has been corrected and in a number of instances grammar and syntax have also been adjusted to increase comprehension.
Experiment Observation # 1
Highly functional on arrival. Able to note performance decrement as day proceeded.
Experiment Observation # 2
Almost exactly one year ago I started volunteer work with this same organization. Differences between then and now.
Very conscious of Dr Spock effect. Only realized last year during the walk home when I attempted to review and make sense of interactions. It was during this review that I would realize that my response had been curt, or overly rational, or in some cases too direct and cutting. I simply stated what I observed or perceived. There was no “social mitigation” or softening of my statements to reflect social etiquette, or social order.What is key is that a year ago this awareness was only developed post-event. This year I sensed I was more in “the moment.”
Experiment Observation # 3
16:17:06
Back from volunteer job. Had serious headache coming on around 1530 so departed.
Very tired. Exhausted. Do not see how I might continue this cycle on a day to day basis.
Headache suppressed by walk. Starting to come back.
Experiment Observation # 4
18:26:10
Back from volunteer job and changed. Dp at 1700 approx.
Started at 1030. Noticed very clear performance decline by 1300. Waiting on meal. As soon as it arrived I grabbed some and took a break. Later on found myself getting confused just crossing the office floor. Went for fruit, a napkin and something else, arrived back at desk with napkin and something else but had left fruit. Recrossed office. Feeling very out of it. Decided to leave shortly after. Sense of headache coming on.
Also noticed growing inability to perform task correctly despite it being very simple. At end of day as I was departing a coworker told me I had over 5,000 entries made that day.At home I feel mentally exhausted unable to summon energy to make a blog post or view email.
Experiment Observation # 5
DAY 4
Borderline overwhelmed. Sense that I am operating at my present boundaries. The days are overstuffed. I hurtle from one event, or day, into the next without any breathing room or opportunity for reflection or understanding. Because of this I feel like I am lacking awareness of what is taking place. I am very borderline with respect to my comfort zone. My sense is that events are whizzing by at racetrack speeds and I am working to maintain focus on setting up for the next turn and the one after that. I recognize that a lot of “stuff” is piling up that I will have to take care of later. At this point my only goal is to navigate the next turn.
Experiment Observation # 6
2015-09-30
07:17:58Awake since 4. Unable to get back to sleep. Up since 0600.
Mixed thoughts on waking. I am forcing myself in to work. It has not become any easier. In the evenings I recognize that I am too confused to write even emails. Have lots of random notes for blog posts but unable to raise the cognitive energy to undertake. I carry my tired muscles off to bed and then awake early and have to force myself into action.
Experiment Observation # 7
Meet J. Recognize I am no longer the person I was. Trying to imitate my prior self.
Problem has two dimensions. If I hang back and make no attempt at interaction then I become a silent person. I risk never taking a risk. Without the risk, and the falling flat on my face, there is no learning.
If I do make the attempt at interaction, then I must be prepared to fail. Or as N suggests carefully structure events and timings, conduct certain activities at the time I am most fresh. Avoid certain activities at times I know that I am likely to perform poorly.
Experiment Observation # 8
Stuck with sense of struggle and a longing to return to ordinary events, the time during which I could experience my world thoughtlessly, carelessly, and feel absolutely confident that I was properly enmeshed in my experience, that I was one with my world and it was one with me, part of me, immersed in me, merged with me. All of this to the point that the “me” ness did not really factor into the equation.
Now there is a forced me, a contrivance that I have actuated to guide and protect me from myself.
Experiment Observation # 9
At various times there were breaks in the routine in order to deliver scanned work and obtain a fresh document stack. At these times I had to navigate through the office and would encounter other staffers. They would make pleasantries. I realized that I was staring at them in a sort of dumbfounded way while I attempted to process and make a response. I could see by their facial response that they were reacting to my lack of response but I was still unable to make my own response. To cover for this deficit I would collect a very large stack of raw documents to minimize my need to interact with others.
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This is Section 3 of a four part series of posts. The other posts may be found here: