Woke to the realization that my “progress,” as evidenced by my photographic futzing around, is a mirage, nothing more than the illusion of progress.

My prior photographic process was rigid and constrained. It had to be. I was using small format cameras and targeting the output to physical media, typically 11×17″ paper stock. Or I was targeting print publications in a CMYK colour space at 300 dpi. I have been able to abandon my prior standard process as I am now targeting digital media with 72 dpi 1000×288 pixel images in an sRGB colour space. This is a much lower standard of image quality.

I was able to relax all these prior process constraints as I have now accepted lower standards for image output. The “improvement” that I believed I had achieved is therefore largely illusory.

This mirage of improvement has been a cornerstone in building my sense of progress in my recovery. It underpinned my optimism, my narrative of improvement. I know I described this achievement in glowing terms to Dr H and I suspect I gave an identical report to Dr D. Now I must retract those findings.

Much of my recent effort has been dependent on this illusion of progress. I believed that if I could make a “breakthrough” with photographic imagery, that if I could “learn” by futzing around, that it should then be possible to extend this achievement to other areas of my life and, step by minute step, I might therefore regain some degree of “normal” function.

I am not sure how to accept this discovery. I have a sense that I should feel despair over the fact that the core anchor of my recovery narrative, the element that motivated me in much of my activity, now turns out to be false. Intellectually I have the logical sense that I should crash and burn at this news, that I should sink into depression. Yet, when I check my feelings, I feel completely flat. It is as if I have not yet allowed this knowledge to sink in, as if it has not yet percolated down to the core of my being, has not yet wrought havoc on my self image and the aspirational narrative of recovery.