Up at 0600. Lay awake in the dark unable to get back to sleep. Have this feeling of being lost. Also a sense of having forgotten something but unable to tell what this something might be. Very unsettling.

Part of this sensation is likely due to my difficulty in getting back into my “production groove.” I have been working on a single document for over a week now, it should be a very simple thing to write and it is creating all sorts of problems.

And then I also feel very bad about this:

Dear Cols:

I feel really bad about our communication today. As soon as we finished the call my first thought was to call back and say, the heck with all the legal stuff, let’s get together and go do something interesting. I really miss you and the thought of being able to get together and just hang out is something I would really like to do.

The other voice, at the back of my head kept saying, great idea, but you are falling way behind on your TAQ submission schedule, you have almost five years invested in this stupid undertaking and if you blow it off, or screw it up, that is it. Game Over. Finito. Kaput.

Everything at this point is a struggle. I try and do the best job I can but I recognize that I am struggling just to get done what needs to be done. One outcome of this focus on the litigation is that all other aspects of my life basically go unaddressed.

I can write, And I think I can turn out good work (see the attached letter). But the effort is a huge and difficult effort, my natural inclination is to avoid it and go do something more fun and interesting, and I know that if I do this I blow myself out of the “work channel” that I have to get into in order to write these TAQ submissions. You can get an idea of what is on the agenda from this blog post: http://facticity.ca/november-end-of-month-review/

I am really worried that you may feel I am rejecting you or attempting to push you away. Please understand that that is not the case. In fact the situation is the complete opposite. I really want to dump all of this task effort and put it behind me. In some respects, I think what I am secretly hoping is that if I jump away from this TAQ stuff that I can leave both it, and all the injury impacts behind. This is neither true nor realistic. But this is the kind of magic thinking that crops up now and then when faced with this form of injury.

It is only a couple of months until it is over. And then you get to meet your blathering, confused, and forgetful dad, and we can go out and do some stuff. It will be spring then as well. This town gets very dull, grey, and boorriinngg during the winter months.

It has taken the entire day for me to sort all of this out. So you can see the kind of problems I am going to have if I allow myself to become distracted.

All my love,

Dad