When I first saw Dr. N, he asked me about my arms. I was surprised by his question. I considered my self to be “normal” in all respects. My own self image contained no suggestion of abnormality, or deformity.

When I first saw Dr. L, he asked me about my arms. I was surprised by his question. I considered my self to be “normal” in all respects. My own self image contained no suggestion of abnormality, or deformity.

Do you see the pattern here?

One of the reasons for the prolonged blog hiatus was my discovery of self-denial, my failure to acknowledge, or perceive, basic truths about myself. As the truth began to dribble out, I was not shocked, or startled, by my self deception; I was profoundly amazed. Amazed it was possible to skew my world view in such a complete and total way that factual reality became invisible to me. Amazed I believed in the exercise of free will when my response was highly conditioned in ways I failed to understand. Amazed that despite a lifelong commitment to the Delphic aphorism “know thyself,” I was miserably lacking in true self awareness.

When these revelations first began to bubble to the surface, I sought to avoid them. I commenced to see Dr D a number of years before the accident. In our meetings we had moved from my initial complaint to an identification of childhood trauma. I was extremely resistant to a discussion of this topic. It brought forth a range of emotions that I felt incapable of handling. When my employer placed me on an overnight shift that made it impossible to continue sessions with Dr. D, I experienced a secret sense of relief.

When I met Dr. D after the accident, I remember her stating that I had changed. I was able to discuss issues that had been extremely difficult to address prior to the accident. I acknowledged the truth of her comment but it had no emotional weight, or meaning, at the time. When childhood issues began to resurface this March I sought to avoid them. I was afraid of provoking the great emotional unease I had experienced earlier; I sought to avoid compounding my present day problems by surfacing issues from deep in my past.

Despite this attempt at avoidance, new perspectives on my childhood would suddenly emerge. It was as if the pieces of some hidden jigsaw puzzle were slowly revealing themselves. Each day another element, or two, would emerge. I would acknowledge these insights then turn to more pressing tasks. The next day another insight would surface unbidden. This process continued until the moment the entire jigsaw flashed into view and the various elements of my life began to interconnect, to reveal themselves as patterns of behaviour and action, began to disclose a life history very different from the one I had previously recounted to myself.

I was an emotionally neutral observer of this emergent process. There was no shock of revelation, only acknowledgement and a sense of amazement at the ability of the mind to conceal, to process, and to reveal. The one point of emotional shock arrived with the realization that I had been living a life of self deception for the past 60 years, that I had unwittingly sabotaged various life opportunities, or had failed to respond in a more appropriate, more positive way. I was making choices not on the merits but was being channelled in my decision making by processes of which I remained unaware. I simply did not know I had made a poor decision, or missed an opportunity. This impairment extended to the most intimate aspects of my life. My selection of intimate partners appears to have been influenced by these hidden processes; my significant others reported themselves to be “damaged,” to declare their own history of childhood trauma. I viewed myself as “normal.” Without being aware of it, I had bonded with women who had experienced a childhood similar to my own. I was completely blind to these hidden facts acting to influence my choice of mate.