Since the last entry I have been struggling, or rebuilding. I am unsure which is the appropriate term. Basically, I have been building bridges.

Towards the beginning of September, I became aware of the fact I was pushing the envelope, driving myself into a level of fatigue and exhaustion that was plainly unsupportable. When waking I felt fatigued. The onset of headache was almost immediate. My frequent trips to the post office and copy shop left me further depleted. The forest walks now failed to deliver the prior sense of vitality and refreshment.

I failed to record the precise date, but at a point in early September I stopped everything. I acknowledged the extreme fatigue and spent an entire day in sleep. I distrust myself as a neutral observer but believe I can distinguish between the “heavy” sleep associated with psychosomatic triggers such as depression or avoidance, and the need for sleep that is the product of exhaustion and fatigue. I had over exerted myself to the point that I needed to devote time to recovery. During this period I achieved little. Nothing was done apart from ruminations and an attempt to gain a better perspective.

An assessment of my present state resulted in the following observations:

Slow Enterprise Management

Given the difficulty I have experienced with document creation, and the amount of time required for me to undertake relatively simple tasks, I think it self evident that I would be unable to manage the “slow enterprise” organization that I seek to create. This is not much of a psychological blow as I have been aware of these issues. My present experience serves to confirm what I already knew.

Frustration

The high level of frustration I experience would make it difficult to integrate into the workplace. This issue is partially due to the required level of effort and the associated fatigue. It also arises from a greater awareness of my error rate, a seeming inability to identify and correct error, and the recognition that my overall rate of improvement is very slow. I’d call it glacial but these days the glaciers are all speeding up while I appear incapable of similar improvement.

Sleep Problems

The fatigue issue results from poor sleep hygiene. Before the injury I was able to enforce a positive sleep regimen in support of working nights and sleeping days. I was able to control my circadian rhythms and successfully manage a completely reversed sleep wake cycle. Since the accident, I have had great difficulty in maintaining a “normal” sleep wake schedule. My surmise is that the injury has had an impact on that portion of the brain which acts to regulate circadian rhythms.

These various observations had me beginning to question what I was trying to achieve and my ability to drive my rehabilitation forward. The degree of effort required did not appear to result in a commensurate level of improvement. I was becoming downcast and heading for a tailspin.

Building Bridges – Two Positive Events

Two positive things happened. First, I had an email from N, a participant in the brain injury support group. She provided me with the link to a book written by an AI researcher who suffered an mTBI when he was rear ended. I read his accident description and was struck by the similarity with my own injury.

Both of us felt fine in the minutes immediately after the impact. Both of us experienced the onset of symptoms within a few hours of the accident. Both of us ended up with big problems not recognized by the medical community. I have not read the full details of his recovery program, but it appears that we also share in having developed our own rehabilitation program. Apart from gaining an awareness of this author, it was fantastic to once again be in touch with N and to learn about her progress, and the activities of the support group. We arranged to meet over coffee and discuss events. N deserves her own post.

The second positive event was a telephone call from C, the volunteer co-coordinator at my volunteer workplace. I had sent him some materials describing my various legal actions and my attempt to counter institutional indifference to the plight of mTBI victims. Because of this activism, I was unsure if I should return in a volunteer role. C had no hesitation in welcoming me back. He acknowledged the issues, and explained that my personal activity did not impair my ability to perform as a volunteer. I was very appreciative of his acceptance. The volunteer work has been very beneficial to me in a great many ways. It has increased my confidence, helped drive skills development, and provided a sorely missed social nexus. On Wednesday I returned and helped staff out another shift. I hope to be able to do more.

Update

The link to the author’s site for The Ghost in My Brain

Link to Amazon Reviews.