When I first stated seeing Dr. D, she introduced me to the concept of Self-Efficacy. This is a psychological concept which describes individual belief in ones general ability to perform an action, or meet a challenge. Recently, I came across a self-report instrument titled the General Self-Efficacy Scale or GSES.

Designed to report the subject’s degree of generalized Self-Efficacy belief, the instrument consists of ten questions each of which is rated on a four point Likert scale. According to the documentation accompanying the GSES it “assesses the strength of an individual’s belief in his or her own ability to respond to novel or difficult situations and to deal with any associated obstacles or setbacks.”

My score on the GSES was 37. A validation study which encompassed 1,660 German adults (cultural variations and predispositions may impact Self-Efficacy beliefs) resulted in a mean sample score of 29.28 with a standard deviation of 4.6. My score is almost two standard deviations above the sample mean.

I want to review the instrument with Dr. D and Dr. H but my interpretation is that this sheds considerable light on the reason the mTBI injury has at times caused me so much distress. I have a very strong belief in my capacity to address any problem which presents itself. This was an exceedingly helpful trait when I worked in marine search and rescue. I was quite willing to undertake tasks that others might shy away from. I did so not out of foolish bravado, but because I had confidence in my assessment of the situation, and in my ability to cope with whatever hazard we were forced to confront. I did very well in that job, and suffered no injury (although there are many incidents which, viewed in hindsight, were uncomfortable close calls).

The same trait also proved its worth during my period working for Bow Valley Offshore. In fact, I view this disposition to self-confidence as being critical to “start-up mentality.” After the Coast Guard, many of my employments were new ventures. They differed in scale, and funding, and degree of opportunity, but all of them presented a high degree of challenge and I welcomed this need for constant problem solving. When things began to settle down, I became bored. Without the challenge, the job was no longer enjoyable.

The brain injury has presented me with a set of challenges I am still working to understand. I am fairly certain that my periods of extreme negative emotional reaction (this is a polite way of speaking of suicidal depression) arose when it became apparent that my self-confidence, and my ability to surmount any challenge, was now confronted by a challenge that proved impossible for me to master. Essentially, mTBI forced acceptance of the fact that there existed challenges impossible to meet. Once I came to that awareness, my life-long coping skills and strategies underwent complete collapse. I faced psychological annihilation out of the recognition that none of my adaptations worked. Presented with this awareness, I saw no reason to continue.

In my prior discussions with Dr. D, it became apparent that the ostracization and bullying I faced as a youth played a significant part in developing an atypical high degree of self-reliance and independent confidence. Even though I have experienced great difficulty in meeting the challenges posed by mTBI, I have sought to master them. Many of my activities: the proposed creation of an organization devoted to Slow Enterprise, this blog, my bullheaded litigation with the insurer, my forced study of neuroscience, – all of these outcomes result from high Self-Efficacy.