Tentative Beginning

Back from walk.

Forgot where I parked the car. I have done this before. I am out in some distant part of the city and I decide to return home and have no idea where I might have left the car. What is interesting is the complete lack of anxiety over this fact. I have developed two routines to address this problem.

With the first routine I simply retrace my steps until I return to my starting point. So far this has worked OK. The other approach is to review my camera images (if I have the camera with me) and examine the first image taken that day. This gives a visual indication of the general area in which I left the car. A third routine is to always park in the same place.

Had some insights but cannot now remember them. Need to revert to carrying a pocket notebook to record insights.

One area of focus had something to do with becoming upset over the fact that I encounter problems more often and this is a continual blow to my self-esteem and self image. I want to believe I am improving and instead I find myself making the same error over and over again. I want to believe I am “normal” yet I encounter a host of problems that I did not face before.

If there is one positive in all of this it is that it indicates that I am now more self aware than I was previously.

Have also been engaged in a debate on the wisdom of going ahead with the blog initiative.

On the one hand it seems to fit with my emphasis on writing text. It also seems to fit with my past photographic interests. The negative factor is that it requires further learning and I have found myself to be not that proficient at learning. I attempt to study but then discover I have changed focus and have drifted off to another topic altogether. If I work very diligently to retain my focus then my effort goes 100% towards maintaining concentration and I appear not to learn, or retain what I have studied. That is a clear drawback.

Both of these issues represent changes from my prior performance. My work with HP required continious learning and I had no problem with this. My prior work in various technology fields involved learning variety of programming languages and related techniques and I encountered no problems in doing this. Now I encounter difficulties with relatively simple HTML and CSS. I try and do image processing in Photoshop and have difficulty replicating process steps that I could do before.

The arguments in favour of the blog appear to be the following:

  • I am of an age in which no one will employ me.
  • I have been out of work for two years now. Again a very negative factor for employment.
  • I have visual indications of problems which will have a negative impact on employment.
  •  I tend to be very slow, very routinized and inflexible. Again these are big negatives.
  • I have difficulty learning and comprehending. Again a big negative.

These also factor against success in self employment. But I am like a man with his back to a chasm. What choice do I have but to leap off?

The arguments in favour of the blog appear to be:

  • What choice do I have?
  • If it works then I am self employed and unlikely to fire myself.
  • My inability to feel any anxiety works well in this instance.
  • My focus on text appears to be of benefit.
  • The activity appears to have a rehabilitative function. This may confer a benefit even if there are no other benefits.




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