This post is an attempt to unpack my present experience which is best characterized as one of “No Hope.” I meet with Dr. H later today and I want to ask her for help. My difficulty is that I lack a satisfactory problem definition. What does “No Hope” actually mean? What am I attempting to communicate with that phrase?
I am unable to generate enthusiasm for any activity. Walking was once a pleasurable activity. This exercise routine has fallen away. I must force myself out on a walk. It seems pointless to do this. I skipped the Concussion Research Group meeting for the same reason.
No Hope – Sleep Pattern
My sleep schedule is completely disrupted. I entered a phase during which I slept a great deal, realized that this was not healthy, and I am now attempting to impose order and force a return to a more regular sleep pattern. This text is being drafted at 0354. I woke around 0200 and was unable to return to sleep. Sleep is crowded out by the attempt to understand my present situation.
No Hope – Diet
My eating habits have changed. During the early “No Hope” period I lost weight and ate very little. In October I spent $3.88 per day on food. The average daily food spend for the prior three months (July, August, September) was $7.43 per day. I recognized this deficit when I closed out my October bookkeeping. I went out and bought an excessive amount of food ($61.34 from November 1st to 3rd or $20.44 per day) in the attempt to cheer myself up. This excess of food is now going bad and I am forced to eat it before it must be thrown out. This is a major change. Prior to the “No Hope” phase, I was resuming a more adventurous and varied diet.
No Hope – Distress Signals
A major distress signal was sent by the plants. The parsley, which appeared to be doing well under my cheap grow light set-up, wilted from a lack of water and attention. I forced myself to complete the clean-up of a mess I made three weeks ago in the creation of the grow light arrangement. Nothing has been done with respect to any other project. I have simply stopped all worthwhile activity.
This suspension of activity extends to the review and filing of the materials received from the insurer on September 30th. The receipt of these materials resulted in a burst of activity. I finally had access to evidence I had been trying to obtain since May of 2015. This period of activity included an extended attempt to understand the legal issues associated with my insurance claim. This effort is described in the post High Cognitive Demand.
Another distress signal came as a notice from my ISP regarding bandwidth consumption. On November 5th I received an email warning that I have used 75% of my monthly allocated bandwidth. I almost never approach the bandwidth limit and, on the rare occasions when I do get a notice, it will be sent one or two days prior to the end of the allocation period. The recent notice arrived two weeks prior to the allocation rollover date.
I admit to watching a lot of YouTube video. The last time I did anything similar, I watched Woody Allen movies and clips in the attempt to cheer myself up. That event was several years ago. Not sure what I have been watching recently.
No Hope – Blog Warning Signs
The blog also shows warning signs. I will write a blog post when I experience psychological distress. An October 14th post documents a struggle and the sense of “running out of gas.” This same post documents the fact of making the same effort for over 5 years, and the fact that all “my efforts seem very pointless.”
The post dated October 16th was an attempt to rejuvenate myself via the blog. The following Dark Wood post deliberately used a positive woods image in an attempt to lighten the mood. The header image on this post better reflects the actual experience of the period. And even this image fails to capture a true picture of the woods. On the day in question it was so dark and gloomy I entirely avoided taking a picture.