Thoughts on Waking

I do not want to wake. There is a strong wish to continue with the sleep state. Today, I lack any memory of my dreams. When I do remember dream content, it always concerns aspects of an active past, those periods in which I had no injury. My thoughts on waking this morning are that I have a powerful wish to resume an uninjured state. The only way I can easily facilitate that return is via a dream state.

I realize also that my time horizon has shrunk. It is now so compressed it includes only the immediate present. Before the injury, I had a long term outlook. I was planning for a future retirement, I was actively engaged in developing activities that I might pursue as enjoyable interests, and as sources of supplemental income.

Since the injury, my time horizon has contracted to the few hours of the immediate day. In fact it has shrunk to an even smaller dimension. My focus is not just on getting through today, my focus is on the project that confronts me in the immediate now. This is part of the fixation on the blog. I sit here writing this draft post and my sole goal is to reach the end of this sentence, to arrive at the end of the paragraph, to complete a reasonably interesting post.

Beyond this writing activity, there is a dim awareness of major events such as my next scheduled visit to my doctor. I am enclosed within the immediacy of an endless today,  an all encompassing now, punctured only by next week’s doctor visit. Beyond this lies nothing. I once conceived of a future that I should strive to achieve, or to protect. I organized my daily affairs around this vision. It would inform all undertakings, described a set of goals which shaped my day to day activity.

Today, I lack any conception of the future. My chief goal is to get through the day without screwing up, messing up, loosing the car, or performing some other involuntary act of stupid forgetfulness.

I had other thoughts on waking. I realized that I had been involved in a wide variety of projects, and activities. None of these interests appear to have survived the injury. These are the few I can remember this morning:

Thoughts on Waking  – Adventure Cooking

I eat. Therefore I have had a long term interest in good cuisine; Mediterranean food, Asian food, Mexican food, Norman food, the food of Emilia Romagna, Scot’s oatcakes, Wakame, sourdough, hummus, and everything in between. Before the injury, I would spice up the menu by opening a cookbook at random, searching for an interesting dish, making a list of the required ingredients, and then searching them out. Then, as my form of a special Sunday dinner, I would cook and enjoy the meal.

The recipe typically called for ingredients enough for four or five persons. I would take the leftovers, parcel them out among single serve ceramic food containers and freeze them. One of these portions then became my 2:00 AM meal at the information factory.

This interest ceased with the accident. I was not even aware that it had come to an end. This insight has been triggered by last week’s discovery of a fridge chock full of exotic condiments and ingredients, all of them left untouched since the date of the accident. I am now in the process of disposing of these stale, spoiled, antique food items.

I have also recently become aware of my trove of cookbooks. There are several shelves full of them, a collection started when at university (a very tattered copy of one of Elizabeth David’s books. A hefty copy of How to Cook a Wolf. A well stained introduction to Lebanese food). None of these have been touched since the injury.

Thoughts on Waking  – Income Supplements

In order to stay active in retirement, and contemplating the possibility of generating a supplemental income, I had embarked on the creation of a set of photo books. I had plans for a small publishing business, and did a great deal of work on potential revenue streams, and the type of books I wished to produce. Break even points, pro-forma financials, profit margin calculations  —  all of these issues were addressed in a series of digital files, files I have not encountered since the accident. I have no idea where they are.

I had gathered images for use in the creation of a set of sample books. This work was underway prior to the accident and I attempted to continue with it. It quickly became problematic as I failed to remember the required processing steps and the various actions I needed to perform. I tried to manage these deficits by keeping incredibly detailed notes on every action taken, but gave this up when I realized that I was constantly introducing transposition errors. These rendered the documentation useless as a performance guide. The book projects withered on the vine. I did manage to complete a few samples and I gave these to one of my doctors as a small token of my immense gratitude for her assistance.

Thoughts on Waking  –  Art Projects

Prior to the injury, I had reactivated an early interest in drawing and painting. I purchased art materials, and brushes, and spent considerable time experimenting with different techniques and media. This came to a complete stop with the accident. I continue to come across residual evidence of this activity. I throw it out.

I have been up now for a few hours and have spent most of that time writing these notes. When I woke this morning I had a series of insights. The fresh perspective of these thoughts on waking motivated me to exit the bed and complete a record before the thoughts vanished back into the dark silence from whence they came.

It has now been more than three uninterrupted hours at the keyboard. I am encountering difficulties as, in writing these words, I have come to recognize the enormity of the change that has taken place. I had no real sense of this until now. This moment.

 

 

 

 

Photographer

The above photograph shows CNR 6218, a Confederation class U-2-g Northern built by Montreal Locomotive Works in 1942 (if you do not see a steam locomotive working hard upgrade then click on the post title ).

The image cannot be reliably dated but I believe it was taken on Canada Day in the summer of 1968. During the late 1960’s the Upper Canada Railway Society hosted annual “Railway Days” steam excursions out of Belleville, Ontario, running the train north along an old Grand Trunk Railway spur that ran up through Madoc and Stirling. The train turned on the wye at Hastings before heading back to Belleville to start another round trip.

I travelled to Belleville with my Dad who was a big fan of steam and all things mechanical. Since he was a Professional Engineer he was able to explain the operation of almost any mechanical device to me. I learned the difference between Walschaerts and Stephenson valve gears at an early age (who today knows the application of a Fly-Crank Rod or a Radius Bar?), understood the design of triple expansion steam engines, could describe the operation of a Scherzer rolling lift Bascule bridge, and a thousand other forms of arcane mechanical ephemera.

The photograph was taken at a location off Moira Road near Huntington Station. The station, if there ever was one, was long gone, but the location made for a great image as 6218 stomped up the hill to Hastings. Thinking back, I feel sorry for my Dad who spent long hours driving the backwoods to reach photo locations and was then abandoned in the car as I hiked overland through the fields in order to get closer to the tracks.

My first photographs were of steam engines. I had found an old Zeiss Ikon folding camera in a household closet and had brought it with me on a family vacation that took us to Mount Washington, New Hampshire. We visited the cog railway base station and I had my parents purchase my first roll of film, a roll of Kodak 620. The emulsion was panchromatic but the camera was likely a pre-war design. It had a small rubylith window on the back so that you could read off the frame numbers when using the manual film advance knob. But almost all post-war consumer emulsions were panchromatic. This meant all of my images fogged in camera and delivered an ethereal effect that is now only obtainable via a software tool that costs hundreds of dollars. What was once a free, and unwanted, image defect is now an expensive desired image attribute. That is progress.

In 1965 my Christmas present was a Yashica SLR with a 42mm screw mount Yashinon 50mm lens. This camera also incorporated a CdS cell just below the top deck under the film advance lever. This was not coupled in any way and you needed to actuate the meter and then set an appropriate f stop and shutter speed. The old Zeiss Ikon had required the use of a separate light meter, an item I had also found buried in the closet – a small selenium cell meter which I used in preference to the built in CdS cell on the Yashica. CdS was known to be subject to “blinding.” Selenium meters did not have this problem.

Model Railroader cover photograph

Model Railroader cover photograph

In 1967 I earned $50 by selling a cover image to the magazine Model Railroader. The cover image is shown above. This scene was photographed on a table top diorama that I built in a corner of my bedroom. You cannot tell from the image but I borrowed from the ancient Greeks; the tunnel portal was not built to scale but was carefully crafted to help deliver the desired perspective. The terrain in the background is composed of plaster and sawdust, the trees were constructed of asparagus fern fronds preserved in a glycerine solution and then glued into holes drilled in the sides of tapered and stained basswood dowels. The distant mountain range and sky were painted on a curved backdrop. The rail is hand spiked code 70 stained nickel silver on a roadbed of individual ties ballasted with simulated gravel.

The hardest work was building the caboose and the gondola car. There was a great deal of detail work (you may not be able to see it but a scale human figure is seated in the caboose cupola with his arm resting on the open window sill) and this took an incredible amount of time to complete.

I was quite excited to be earning money with the camera and I made a number of submissions to the Montreal Star which ran a full page reader provided image in the weekend colour insert. I received a very nice rejection letter for my efforts; I suspect the editor recognized that I was an ambitious youngster.

By 1969 I had dismantled the diorama and built a full darkroom in its place. I then began to teach myself black and white photography. I mixed all my own chemicals, developed my own film, and made prints of the best negatives. There was great magic in watching the image come up in the developer bath. Print washing was a tedious task as it had to be done manually (but I did it well as, after 45 odd years, none of the prints show any sign of yellowing due to residual silver nitrate). The part I really disliked were the hours spent in the dark breathing chemical fumes. There was no domestic air conditioning in those days and you cannot easily open a window in a darkroom, so the work was also uncomfortably hot in summer.

I attended local gymkhana’s and other sports events and sold prints to the participants. I doubt I made much money doing this. In fact I question if I fully covered my cost of materials. I also shot a lot of images for the Hudson High School class yearbook and submitted another set of images to the Montreal Star. These pictured a group of fellow students assisting a recent motor vehicle accident victim in cleaning house. I was very proud of these prints. The interior shots avoided the use of fill flash and relied on my budding skills as a printer to hold the back the daylight at the windows and still present full shadow detail in the interior. I took my cue from some of Eugene Smith’s work and felt the images worked well to convey the sombre mood of the day.

When I moved out to Vancouver in the early 1970’s, my camera, an early model Nikon F, was stolen through an open window. I was living with a woman at the time and we were thinking of marriage but she was uncomfortable with my work routine which involved two week tours on Search and Rescue cutters. Plus an incident occurred which made her uncomfortable about my line of work.

We had a small top level apartment on Cornwall Street. It’s best feature was an octagonal turret which looked out over English Bay. This became our bedroom after I converted the actual bedroom into another darkroom. I spent a lot of time teaching myself colour film development and printing. We had friends in the Kootenay’s and we were thinking of relocating there and I was contemplating opening a commercial photography business.

I was doing a lot of work with both medium format and a 4″x5″ view camera. I also attempted to perfect my skills in dye transfer printing. The dye transfer process utilized a set of matrices which were contact “printed” to a receptor sheet. The process offered a unique degree of control over colour values in the final image. The problem was that this degree of control mandated extremely close process tolerances. Any variation in either PH or temperature would impact the image.

My difficulty arose from my home built darkroom. It had no running water. This was acceptable for black and white work but not for dye transfer which required a fixed temperature water bath to maintain solution temperatures. It became impossible to continue as I realized I needed a water chiller to bring temperatures down.

The aspiration to open a commercial photography studio died when the relationship broke up. I sold all of my camera gear to finance another venture (thanks to the sudden appreciation of the Japanese yen around this time I was able to sell my gear in used condition for more than I had paid for it). This was the end of my photographic adventures until the time Colin was born.

While I have a considerable background in photography, I am not sure what occupational opportunity currently exists. The fact that every cell phone is also a camera has made everyone a photographer. Analog imaging has been almost completely displaced by digital. The range of photographic papers and film emulsions has contracted considerably. Dye transfer materials are no longer available. Digital has resulted in an entirely new aesthetic. What was once a highly skilled technical craft has now been democratized and facilitated by improved technology, and an entirely new set of image defects are now accepted and prized.

From what I am able to learn of the current status of commercial photography it is a contracting market. A great many images are available via stock agencies, there are a large number of amateur photographers with the skill and equipment to underbid a professional, a greater proportion of commercial images are taken by other than professional photographers, and press photographers are being laid off.

I am able to do digital image processing but I am unsure of the demand for this skill. There is a very big difference between operating in a time constrained commercial environment and my current situation in which I must devote an extreme number of hours to crafting these blog posts and the accompanying images.

I have the hope that constant repetition will make me faster but this does not appear to be happening.

 

Update 03/06/14

A photographer must travel to the location of the photo shoot. To undertake this job requires both a car and the competence to travel widely within the city. A photographer will also need to be extremely good at scheduling, and juggling multiple daily appointments in order to maximise revenue.

Due to the injury I seek to reduce my automobile travel to the minimum, feel uncomfortable traveling beyond my known routes, and arrive an hour early for every appointment so as to avoid time pressures which tend to provoke errors.

 

 

 

 

Submerged in Error

Normally, I have a cast iron stomach. Nothing affects it; it goes about its business quietly, with nary a complaint. This week it revolted. I have since realized that not only am I submerged in error, I also end up eating my errors.
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