Much of today was spent putting together a submission to Québec Santé to obtain reimbursement of payments made for medical services rendered in Ontario. There are very limited resources available in Québec. A year ago I wrote a complaint to Québec Santé regarding my inability to find a GP and I received an email in which they acknowledged the critical doctor shortage.

The submission is not a complex task. It requires assembling multiple documents:

1) A copy of the receipt issued by the Doctor.

2) Copies of the four cancelled cheques confirming the payment made.

3) A completed reimbursement form.

While relatively simple, this submission was difficult for me to put together. I quickly became very frustrated handling six pieces of paper, confirming they are in sequence, ensuring I print out the correct copies, and that the dates on the cancelled cheques match the treatment dates on the receipt.

As soon as I sense myself becoming frustrated, I become even more upset by my inability to perform this relatively simple task. It is beyond belief that I cannot complete this task quickly and easily. During the period when I worked for Gargantua, I was responsible for undertaking weekly performance audits for 30 persons. This was a much more difficult job than the reimbursement submission. It was undertaken under severe time constraint with a number of other variables that increased task complexity and difficulty. Despite this, I experienced no problems. Today, I undertake a much simpler task and I encounter problems.

This submissions task has been a recurring problem since I commenced seeing Doctor H two years ago. It has not become easier over the course of this interval. So there exist pockets of improvement (such as my improved ability to write, or to blog), and other areas of task performance in which improvement is limited to non-existent.

I try and focus on the positive aspects of improvement. Doing so provides me with a confidence boost, and helps me engage the world in a positive manner. When I encounter performance deficits, such as this submissions issue, the experience is extremely deflating and it quickly undermines the narrative of performance improvement.

Submission Insight

Immediately after drafting this post I felt overwhelmed. Identification of this issue negates any narrative of self-improvement. I once again feel as if I am deceiving myself. This sense of self deception erodes all confidence and initiates a downward spiral of self-recrimination, and despair.

The insight derives from the observation that my response to despair was to commence a mindless, and highly repetitive, blog housekeeping task. Writing is soothing and calming. Performing endless repetitions of the same task is also soothing and calming. The repeated performance of routinized tasks anchors me in a context which is within my capacity. I gain a sense of achievement that serves as a salve to an ego bruised by the forced acknowledgement of a deficit.

This observation provides a psychological rationale for routinized behaviours. It also explains where the last two hours went.