I do not want to wake. There is a strong wish to continue with the sleep state. Today, I lack any memory of my dreams. When I do remember dream content, it always concerns aspects of an active past, those periods in which I had no injury. My thoughts on waking this morning are that I have a powerful wish to resume an uninjured state. The only way I can easily facilitate that return is via a dream state.

I realize also that my time horizon has shrunk. It is now so compressed it includes only the immediate present. Before the injury, I had a long term outlook. I was planning for a future retirement, I was actively engaged in developing activities that I might pursue as enjoyable interests, and as sources of supplemental income.

Since the injury, my time horizon has contracted to the few hours of the immediate day. In fact it has shrunk to an even smaller dimension. My focus is not just on getting through today, my focus is on the project that confronts me in the immediate now. This is part of the fixation on the blog. I sit here writing this draft post and my sole goal is to reach the end of this sentence, to arrive at the end of the paragraph, to complete a reasonably interesting post.

Beyond this writing activity, there is a dim awareness of major events such as my next scheduled visit to my doctor. I am enclosed within the immediacy of an endless today,  an all encompassing now, punctured only by next week’s doctor visit. Beyond this lies nothing. I once conceived of a future that I should strive to achieve, or to protect. I organized my daily affairs around this vision. It would inform all undertakings, described a set of goals which shaped my day to day activity.

Today, I lack any conception of the future. My chief goal is to get through the day without screwing up, messing up, loosing the car, or performing some other involuntary act of stupid forgetfulness.

I had other thoughts on waking. I realized that I had been involved in a wide variety of projects, and activities. None of these interests appear to have survived the injury. These are the few I can remember this morning:

Thoughts on Waking  – Adventure Cooking

I eat. Therefore I have had a long term interest in good cuisine; Mediterranean food, Asian food, Mexican food, Norman food, the food of Emilia Romagna, Scot’s oatcakes, Wakame, sourdough, hummus, and everything in between. Before the injury, I would spice up the menu by opening a cookbook at random, searching for an interesting dish, making a list of the required ingredients, and then searching them out. Then, as my form of a special Sunday dinner, I would cook and enjoy the meal.

The recipe typically called for ingredients enough for four or five persons. I would take the leftovers, parcel them out among single serve ceramic food containers and freeze them. One of these portions then became my 2:00 AM meal at the information factory.

This interest ceased with the accident. I was not even aware that it had come to an end. This insight has been triggered by last week’s discovery of a fridge chock full of exotic condiments and ingredients, all of them left untouched since the date of the accident. I am now in the process of disposing of these stale, spoiled, antique food items.

I have also recently become aware of my trove of cookbooks. There are several shelves full of them, a collection started when at university (a very tattered copy of one of Elizabeth David’s books. A hefty copy of How to Cook a Wolf. A well stained introduction to Lebanese food). None of these have been touched since the injury.

Thoughts on Waking  – Income Supplements

In order to stay active in retirement, and contemplating the possibility of generating a supplemental income, I had embarked on the creation of a set of photo books. I had plans for a small publishing business, and did a great deal of work on potential revenue streams, and the type of books I wished to produce. Break even points, pro-forma financials, profit margin calculations  —  all of these issues were addressed in a series of digital files, files I have not encountered since the accident. I have no idea where they are.

I had gathered images for use in the creation of a set of sample books. This work was underway prior to the accident and I attempted to continue with it. It quickly became problematic as I failed to remember the required processing steps and the various actions I needed to perform. I tried to manage these deficits by keeping incredibly detailed notes on every action taken, but gave this up when I realized that I was constantly introducing transposition errors. These rendered the documentation useless as a performance guide. The book projects withered on the vine. I did manage to complete a few samples and I gave these to one of my doctors as a small token of my immense gratitude for her assistance.

Thoughts on Waking  –  Art Projects

Prior to the injury, I had reactivated an early interest in drawing and painting. I purchased art materials, and brushes, and spent considerable time experimenting with different techniques and media. This came to a complete stop with the accident. I continue to come across residual evidence of this activity. I throw it out.

I have been up now for a few hours and have spent most of that time writing these notes. When I woke this morning I had a series of insights. The fresh perspective of these thoughts on waking motivated me to exit the bed and complete a record before the thoughts vanished back into the dark silence from whence they came.

It has now been more than three uninterrupted hours at the keyboard. I am encountering difficulties as, in writing these words, I have come to recognize the enormity of the change that has taken place. I had no real sense of this until now. This moment.